the kindness of strangers

today was one of those days. honestly i was feeling pretty good this morning, rocking my mom skill set by cleaning the kitchen while finley played and rowan sat in the swing. we made banana bread and homemade melon lemonade (cooking, check!). finn played with playdoh (art, check!). we browsed the comics and the newspaper together (reading, check!). finn ate a great lunch and went right down for nap. of course rowan didn't nap much and as he does, struggled to rest really at all. 

when finn woke up early we had to head to the post office. i sold a camera and it needed to be out today and i figured since everyone was fairly happy, i could get in and out without much struggle. i was so very wrong. rowan screamed the second i put him in his car seat, which he always does. he hates the car seat but typically once we start to drive he settles. by the time we arrived at the post office he seemed content and i popped them both into the double stroller. as soon as the post office door shut behind me rowan flipped out. ear piercing screams that no pacifier was going to calm. i tried to rush through and get my package boxed and ready, but he just wouldn't stop. more people filtered in and more screaming ensued. 

i picked him up but even then, he wouldn't relax. i went through the line once to check postage and by that point i was sweating and just over it. as i was filling out insurance and signature forms i started to laugh uncontrollable, but it was tinged with overwhelmed emotions. rowan still screaming and kicking, i couldn't even write and poor finley was in the stroller asking to be finished. i started to tear up and a woman asked if she could hold rowan for me. her kind eyes were also tearing up and she asked if that would be ok, if i would mind. i didn't mind and i handed him over while i cried. i mumbled something about it being so hard and she told me she knew. she was sending a package to her grown daughter who had just moved away and even after all of those years, parenting is still hard. she told me holding rowan was helping her and as i struggled to remember even my own address (we just moved!), another woman chimed in to say she had twins and remembered how difficult it could be. it was a moment where woman i didn't knpw were supporting me, understanding that there are times that everything just overwhelms you, and telling me that it was ok.

i took rowan back and got in line behind at least 10 people, but the postal worker asked me to come to the front saying i had already waited in line. (i hate to rant on usps, but you don't often get preferential treatment there, so imagine my surprise)  when i cut through the line i said i knew everyone wanted me to get going, and then more people voiced that it was ok, he was just a baby. i could barely pay through the tears in my eyes. the pairing of the (previously) screaming baby and the kindness of strangers was too much. the postal worker told me finley deserved a treat for how wonderful he was to wait, telling me what a good boy he was. (hopefully a nod to my parenting?)

i thanked the woman that held rowan and struggled to leave the building without fully breaking down. hours later i'm still an emotional mess over it all. how can some things just be so hard? so many emotions, so little sleep. too many demands that just can't be met every day. i don't know why today was my breaking point, but it happened.

tomorrow will be better. and hopefully i'll get to pay the kindness of strangers forward.

1 week post partum

i wanted to document a few postpartum belly pictures, just like last time, because i know people want to know what it looks like after there's no baby in the belly. for decent reference, here's my last formal belly shot (at 34 weeks, because i hadn't taken a "real" 37 week set before delivering). imagine a few more inches/pounds there towards the end.

i gained 44 lbs this pregnancy. last time i gained 50 but went 9 days earlier, so i did a bit better this time around. i worked out right up until delivery but i have done nothing but breastfeed following the birth of rowan. i used a belly band as soon as i got home from the hospital and wore it all day (not at night). i still try and wear it because the pudge is hard to suck in. here's one week post partum: 

to be honest, i don't mind my side profile right now. but then, i have always looked a bit better from the side than from the front. i have a fairly narrow profile and things tend to look smaller than they really are. i gained a lot of weight in my thighs and hips and my belly is soft and squishy...the front view is not one i'll be posting ;)

at four days postpartum i had only lost 5 lbs (so, less than my baby weighed?). by three weeks postpartum i had lost 20 lbs. i won't start working out until 6 weeks, but i do hope to lose the remaining 24lbs a lot faster than it took me to get back into shape last time.

songs of life - when you grow up

this month the songs for life group focused on the song "when you grow up". being that i have a three week old (and a three year old), i couldn't realistically get out and shoot sidewalk chalking or a game of kickball with my boys. so i decided to shoot in a comfortable location (for all of us) and let finley interact with his baby brother. of course i helped the lifestyle element of this along by including a few appropriate props, but putting such a little baby and a sort of wild kiddo together means i have to control some elements.

finn took time to show brother his trains and a car and he "read" a story. when rowan grows up, maybe he'll be like finn. (i can only hope to have another sweet cherubic boy!) when they both grow up to be bigger than me, i don't know what they'll be, but i'm hoping this bond that's already clear just a few weeks in becomes even stronger. i'm a lucky mama to watch them grow together.

 

 

 

 

peering over the book to be sure rowan is listening.
 

 

 

 
telling rowan how big he'll be when he grows up.
 

 
comparing hands - one tiny and one medium.
 

 
my boys the brothers.
 

 

 

be sure to continue along the blog circle to see the rest of the "when you grow up" interpretations. here's the next one.

birth slideshow

the arrival of rowan alder in pictures (don't worry, nothing from delivery!)



rowan alder birth from alauna peterson on Vimeo.

birth story: rowan alder

this is the birth story of my second son, rowan alder. i delivered 3 weeks early, had a 13 hour labor, went pain med free, and pushed for 6 minutes. i don't hold anything back so if you're squeamish or not at all interested in labor and delivery, i would skip right on over this post ;) you can read my posts on finley holden's birth at part one, two, and three.

i had been having contractions for at least two months and at 36w3d i was 2 cm dilated and the baby was (thankfully) head down and still moving fine during my contractions (noted on an nst). the weekend prior to delivery i lost 5 lbs and spent every waking moment cleaning and trying to get caught up. the saturday prior (so, 36w1d) i was up the entire night with contractions and painful pressure that was so unbearable i spent hours in the shower. my pubic symphysis pain was persistent day and night and i could not have felt more ready to be done with pregnancy.

at 36w5d i started taking evening primose oil as i had read that it can help soften the cervix and prepare for delivery (not send you into labor). i took one capsule orally and two vaginally for three nights. to be frank, this causes the capsule to dissolve and the oil comes out through the night so, it's...noticeable. on saturday night, 37w1d i didn't do the capsules vaginally yet all night i felt a strange fluid periodically. i was up to the bathroom multiple times with no indication of labor. when i awoke at 7:07 am, i sat up and my bag of waters ruptured in similar form to last time. as in, epically. i hopped out of bed to tell my husband (who was on the couch trying to let me rest) that today was the day. unlike last time, i was full term and not overly rushed to get to the hospital. i called my mom, then labor and delivery. i took a shower and did my makeup. i made breakfast and sat with finley, trying to explain what was happening without scaring him. he asked to come with and begged for me not to leave him. it was heartbreaking and hugging him goodbye was extremely difficult. we dropped him off at a friend's house at 8:30 am and made our way to labor and delivery at 8:40 am.

after checking in, i asked not to get an IV right away and decided to stay in my own clothes. the less time spent feeling like a patient, the better. the room's view was pretty and tree lined. it was 61F and sunny outside. i felt so good, so ready and remained energetic for most of the laboring. i was hooked up to the belly monitors and contractions were about 8 minutes apart but very faint. at 9:25 am we had a u/s to confirm the baby was head down. we saw a clear indication of daddy's nose and some fairly chubby cheeks (which made me nervous that i might be pushing a rather large baby out). since my water had broken they decided not to check internally until later in the day. i asked to wander the halls to try and let gravity and movement speed up the process. by 10:30 am i had had a few painful contractions, but when i returned to the room for monitoring, my contractions were still 5 minutes apart and pretty much pain free while laying down. i decided to walk again and the contractions started to come on stronger.

i was checked at 1 pm and my cervix was only 2.5cm (a half cm more than a week prior...), 50% effaced and the baby was a -2. just before this check noticed the bloody show so at least there were multiple signs of labor! however, it was decided that my lack of progression warranted pitocin. i was truly hoping to avoid this but for the safety of the baby and in the interest in moving things along, i got the iv fliuds and pitocin started. by 2:45 pm my contractions were 3 minutes apart and becoming painful, but only so much that i had to take a break from chatting to close my eyes. my parents arrived, allowing my husband to run a few errands, and i was still able to hold a conversation without much trouble.

at 5:00 pm my dr. arrived to check me. i was pleased to hear i was 5cm and 80% effaced. my contractions were painful but still bearable and she said she'd be back to check on me later. my parents left to get finley and i entered a new stage of labor upon my husband's return to the hospital. the stage of labor where i knew i wanted to be done before it got really bad. thankfully, my delivery nurse had had two natural labors and was possibly the driving force behind my ability to continue without the epidural. she talked me through my contractions and when my dr. came back at around 7:30 pm i was in active labor. i sat on the ball, face down over the bed and could barely make it through the contractions. i started to feel like i would vomit after each one and my head began to bobble back and forth. i heard them discussing a cervical check but they decided to let me labor on incase i wasn't at a 10. my nurse mentioned my contractions had a smaller, secondary peak indicative of imminent delivery. (i recall this from a contraction haze, so i'm not sure what exactly she was referring to.)

at 7:50 pm they both left the room and i was positive i couldn't continue without an epidural. i was sure there would be hours of this before i might deliver so i begged my husband to call a nurse so i could have pain relief. at around 8:05 pm, just as with finn, i felt the urge to urinate and made my way to bathroom (barely able to walk or breathe through any of the contractions). nothing came out and as i stood in the doorway of the bathroom, i had to brace myself for a contraction that took over my body, forcing me to bear down and push. it was nothing like my first labor. totally out of my control, more painful than anything i could have ever imagined. i lunged at the hospital bed and pressed the nurse call button, yelling “i need an epidural!” as if i was in some sort of scripted tv show. my contractions were one on top of another and my nurse and dr. rushed into the room. i was screaming for relief and my dr. managed to check me, promising that we could decide on pain options once she knew where i was at. as i continued to beg for the epidural, my nurse tried to convince me i'd never be able to sit for one and my dr. informed my husband that the baby was already on it's way.

i started thrashing around and about now was where i legitimately lost all control of myself. i have never felt so animalistic, so crazy and out of it, as i did then. i couldn't focus, i couldn't control my body, and i felt like passing out. i screamed for them to turn off the pitocin, screamed for pain relief of any sort, and was swearing in ways no one should ever swear. my dr. said i should try one push just to see if i could move the baby and (falsely) promised she would consider the epidural if i just gave one first push. that was at 8:22 pm. it was awful. i couldn't hold my own legs and i was working against the contraction. i was so hot, more hot than i have ever felt. no amount of cold wash cloths made me feel better. they asked if i would consider taking of my shirt and i swore at the mere mention of this, so they cut the belly band and my clothing off as i was delivering.

in the minute or so between the next contraction i saw the delivery items flying out of the little room they close off until it's time. a baby nurse was prepping the isolette. the stirrup chair went rolling across the floor and my dr. and nurse were scrambling to find the “splash pad” (my husband called it this after the fact) and necessary equipment for delivery. as the contraction began i had no choice but to push. i screamed for them to help and they jumped toward the bed. i dug my foot into my poor dr.'s body (no stirrups, no holding my own knees). there was no counting, no telling me chin to chest, no forced breathing. i couldn't have stopped it for anything but i was still hoping it wasn't really happening. i screamed and swore and felt his head come out in one push. i pushed on my my next contraction and the rest of him slid out at 8:28 pm. a total of 3 pushes in 6 minutes. they brought him right to my chest and i tried to regain some control and hold onto his tiny body. he cried and i looked over his swollen skin, covered in everything, but i didn't cry. they let him lay there for a few minutes, the cord still attached, and i took the moment in as fully as possible. i missed out on this part with finley and i know my dr. knew i really wanted to have him with me, on me, directly after i delivered. eventually my husband cut the cord and went with him to be cleaned, checked, and weighed.

mr dr. took her time in allowing me to deliver the placenta. i wasn't prepared for the post birth pain without the epidural. it was insane. once the placenta was out she checked for tearing and just as before, i tore upwards. she suggested just a few stitches but i couldn't bear the needle from the pain medication and thus wasn't fully numb for the stitches. both were awful and i screamed as if i were back in labor. i feel bad for anyone in the rooms surrounding mine – it must have been terrifying. i continued to lament at the awful nature of the entire ordeal. it was surreal. amazing and terrible and the worst, best thing i have ever done.

they brought him back to me and i asked to nurse. he latched immediately and i felt the connection to this new baby, my second son. i was calmer and in control of myself again. i looked him over, took his hat off and saw the full head of blonde hair. he held onto my thumb while he nursed and opened his eyes to look at me. it was exactly how i imagined it would be. i held him while we introduced him to our families in the delivery room. i hated every minute of active labor, hated every second of pushing and i don't know if i could ever do it again, but it was somehow perfect and i am proud to have been able to do it. (except for the whole fbomb thing.)

recovery following a natural labor has been much easier. i was able to walk immediately after giving birth, went to the nursery with my husband and baby, and had my IV out within the hour after. unfortunately my pubic symphysis pain has not been resolved and i continue to struggle with that (more so than any pain i would expect from the whole pushing out the baby experience). i am far less swollen/water logged and finding it much easier to move about this time around. i don't know if it's a second baby thing or a drug free labor thing, but it's welcome all the same.

natural labor is not for the faint of heart. i don't know how women do it without behaving like feral animals. i don't even know how i managed to do it at all. my baby is 5 days old (when i wrote this) and i am still trying to process the event. my whole experience was different this time around and i am thankful for both. i have two healthy sons that arrived exactly way they should have and the memories of both will last me a lifetime.

he's here!

rowan alder

born may 26, 2013 at 8:28 pm

7lb1oz  20.5 in

i went into labor naturally at 37 weeks 2 days and welcomed our second son rowan alder just 13 hours later. he has a full head of strawberry blonde hair and his daddy's nose. he is such a sweet, precious baby and i am cherishing the moments i know all too well will quickly pass. it's different this time around. the knowing, yet not knowing. i don't know him yet, but i know i will and i know it will be so fast that i'm just trying to take in every bit of him along the way. he's already almost a week old and fits into our family like he was always meant to be here. big brother finley has been wonderful to his baby brother (not so much to his parents).

i've written my birth story (it's wild) and will post asap.

rolling over!

the little peanut is rolling over!

i wasn't sure when last thursday he seemed to accidentally roll halfway onto his side from his tummy. but then yesterday he rolled 4 times and today i caught it on video. he has only made it from tummy over his left shoulder to his back, but he can do it!

it is seriously amazing to watch. all these things changing everyday; i swear i wake up and he is a little bigger and doing something new. new noises with softer coos and high pitched screams that aren't cries. new faces, tongue sticking out, and tiny smiles at the wall. new rolls on his thighs, a bigger belly, and more control over his head and neck. he just keeps getting cuter!

i'm so lucky to spend my sometimes sleepless nights and days with my son. i know that these days will continue to go so quick and i'm trying to cherish them. it can be hard at times when he is fussy or won't sleep when i'm tired, but he is so sweet and innocent that i just remind myself these things are precious. so i smell his freshly washed hair and hold his little hands and look at him while he stares in amazement at all the things around him. funny how i am equally amazed by him just being him.

6 weeks

finley is 6 weeks today!

he had his "one month" checkup on wednesday and his stats shocked his pediatrician. my tiny peanut now weights 9 lb 11 oz and is 22 inches. that puts him between the 50th and 75th percentile of baby boys his age. he has most certainly caught up and i am so proud that he is an exclusively breastfed baby. when she weighed him, the dr. said "i almost don't believe it!", since he was 5 lb 14 oz at birth.

she started him on tri-vi-sol with iron vitamin supplements and also prescribed an ointment for his blocked tear duct. of course, the duct has been blocked for weeks and has magically cleared up without using the ointment even one time. he screamed the entire appointment and things went from bad to worse when he got his hep b shot - the kind of scream that starts with just an open mouth and sad eyes but no noise and ends in frantic newborn wails.

i'm not sure if the was the shot or the vitamins or his 6 week growth spurt, but the next day he was the fussiest baby ever. today, though, he was happy and alert and back to his adorable self. i caught him playing with toys in his crib and was so excited to see him start to recognize objects and reach out for them. the arm movements are still jerky and he rarely makes contact, but i can see the wheels turning. it's so amazing to see the changes - he grows and learns every single day.

as promised, updates from my 6 week postpartum checkup. i am healthy, stitches are gone, and my dr. told me i could resume all normal activity. workouts, here i come! i've lost 30 lbs (of the 50 i gained) without more than a handful of walks, so we'll see where working out gets me.

5 weeks, first easter

happy easter from the finn bunny!

after having grandparents in town for the weekend (which allowed us to go out on our first date without the baby), mr. h3b, finn and i celebrated easter with pizza (oops, i forgot to buy the ham and sides...). it's the first time i've ever not had an easter dinner, but i'm not sure i had the energy to cook one anyway. we did dye eggs and ate tons of candy. finley got his first easter basket and dressed up for the occasion.

life with a newborn has become more routine now. 5 weeks have passed and i am used to less sleep and his "schedule" of eating and napping. i went from wanting to quit breastfeeding to enjoy it more and more. it's a struggle with the leaking, but finn has learned the position i put him in right before he gets to eat and he settles and opens his mouth, ready to nurse.

he is changing so fast and growing like crazy. i swear can see more chub on his cheeks at the end of each day. he has some pretty bad baby acne and a bit of cradle cap yet, but it doesn't keep him from being adorable. he has mastered eye contact for brief moments and has noticed toys and objects besides the walls. he is more content to be set down on his playmat or bouncer to look at the toys and kick and coo now that he can connect with the objects. i can't believe how interactive he's becoming. i've seen a few tiny smiles, but i'm still waiting to share eye contact and a reactive smile - i know it's coming!

his sleep comes in longer stretches some nights (not more than 4 hours yet) and i've enjoyed a bit more rest. i still haven't mastered completing multiple daily tasks, though. i'm torn between "sleep when the baby sleeps" and real life. he sleeps best on stroller walks on in the moby, so i can't sleep then. plus, i'd like to shower, do laundry, wash dishes, go to the grocery store...but i usually can only accomplish one of those things on any given day. to be honest, sometimes none of those things happen...but i'm content spending those days on the couch playing with him, catching up on sleep and web surfing, and feeding on demand.

this past week, i started using grobaby cloth diapers. they are huge on him yet, but easy to use so far. i haven't washed the inserts the recommended 8 or so times, so they certainly don't absorb as well as disposables yet. i have found that they leak and his runny poop does reach the outer shell, so i've had to wash everything and not just the inserts. this isn't a bad review though. it's only been a week, he's still kind of tiny, and they haven't been washed enough. i'll give an update when we've used them a bit longer.

this week i'm looking forward to his 6 week check up and a long visit from grandma (my mom). i also have my postpartum appointment. updates on weight (his and possibly mine) and such after that!

1 month/due date

oh my, time flies! finley turned one month old today, on his original due date (3.26.10 - this posted late). i cannot imagine just giving birth or possibly being pregnant right now, still waiting for labor to begin. as much as i (still) miss being pregnant, i bet that ninth month is pretty tough ;) i'd take another month somewhere in the second trimester!

finn is growing like crazy. he is so chubby now, with round cheeks, an extra chin, and a huge belly. it's adorable and crazy at the same time - how can he gain so much from a liquid diet? and so fast? i bought pants for him last friday and they were too big on the waist. today they fit him! i'm proud of me for being able to feed him so well and pleased that he has done such a good job learning to breastfeed.

he has even more active/alert time now. his sweet little eyes search the room for exciting things. still ranking high on that list are: lamps, the blue walls, and the ceiling. but he really loves our faces. he is content to look into our eyes and study our features. i started reading to him and his face brightens as he listens to my voice and watches me talk. it melts my heart to connect with him like this - as a person who hears and sees and wonders. i love everything about him!

i've got plenty to post about postpartum recovery and my favorites baby items thus far, but for now, here are some pictures from his one month photo shoot today. i took these this afternoon and he was such a cooperative little baby!

the first and last pictures feature quilts my husband used as a baby. one was made by his mom and one by his great grandma. his mom brought them down so i could take pictures with finn using them.

3 weeks

i have a three week old baby! that's crazy, because i should be 39 weeks pregnant. instead i have my little peanut baby here by my side, snoozing while i skip sleep to blog...

the first few weeks have been great. sure, tiring, occasionally stressful, and certainly the adjustment of a lifetime. but looking at finley, watching him change before my eyes - it's been amazing. somehow i can survive on spurts of one hour of sleep, being his sole food source, and i'm sure it's because i get to spend my days loving on him.

mr. h3b and i were lucky enough to have grandma support for the first two weeks which made the transition into parenthood quite smooth. having extra hands whenever, for things beyond baby holding, was exactly what we needed to cope with the changes. dishes were magically done. laundry washed, folded, and put away. groceries purchased and meals prepared. there was plenty of grandson loving, too :) hmm, typing this out makes me miss those first bleary days for (of course) newborn baby and live-in gmas.

finn is growing so quickly. i weighed myself and him on the wii and it seems as though he is now about 7.5lb - we'll see at his 1 month check up. he is breastfeeding like a champ. we ditched the nipple shields during week 2 and he now latches easily (mostly) and feeds about every 2.5 hours. this results in short naps, but he's gotten calmer and more used to sleeping on his own. the first week or so was filled with noises and whimpers and cries that kept us all up. unless he was being held or laying next to someone, there was no sleep. he now sleeps soundly in his bouncer (not so much the pack and play yet) while swaddled in the kiddopotamus.

the biggest change we've noticed (aside from increased lung capacity...) is his ability to track objects. he crosses his eyes less often and can see things you move around in front of him. we attached the toy bar to his bouncer tonight and he watched those things for a good 20 minutes. it is amazing to see him stare in awe at the world around him. so innocent and interested.

i find myself snuggling into his neck folds and smelling his baby shampooed hair and just cherishing these sweet moments of tiny. i love when he finds me with his eyes, so alert, like he knows that i'm his mom. i crave his smooth skin and can't help but rub the back of his neck and his skinny thighs without even realizing i'm doing it. i'm starting to know his cries and noises and i feel at ease comforting him when he is upset.

i'm not perfect and i have no idea what will happen next, but newborn is faster than pregnancy, and i'm just trying my best to take it all in. pictures, videos, memories - everything is fleeting and i feel like i need to document it all. but i'm also happy to watch the sleep smiles, post feed eyebrow scrunch, and adorable successive sneezes and just be in the moment.

on not being pregnant

it should come as no surprise to me that i'm no longer pregnant. this is proven when i 1) look down at my deflated belly and/or 2) look over to see my beautiful baby. however, these things do not keep me from forgetting, every hour or so, that i was pregnant just over a week ago and that sometimes i think i still am. i knew i wouldn't like not being pregnant, even as sore and tired as i was towards the end (and i only made it 36w!). don't get me wrong, i love finley more than anything in the world. i love having him out here to gaze at and to adore. but i still long to feel him inside of me, where he was all mine and i was never alone.

it's probably a bit of post baby blues, mild though noticeable, but i feel sad every time i realize i'm not pregnant. no more kicks, no more belly, no more keeping my inside baby safe and warm at all times. if i take a nap, or go to the store, or sit at my computer, i do it alone. i said it was fleeting and it was. maybe it's because he came a month early - i missed out on a whole (uncomfortable) month with him still in there, pushing out his bum and rolling for the video camera. i don't want to feel sad about this. and thankfully, it doesn't keep me from enjoying every second of my baby. but i miss pregnancy all the same.

when i get a little teary eyed, i remind myself, so easily, that i get to hold him tight on the outside. to see his hair, his lips, his tiny wrinkled knees. i get to kiss his face and to hear him coo and gurgle his content (or discontent). i am his sole source of food and the person he probably recognizes most. i am lucky to have him safe and healthy. he is with me in my arms, to kick and flail out here in the world.

and i do enjoy not being pregnant, too. i can bend over! i slept on my stomach last night. i ate a lunch meat sandwich two days in a row and already indulged in wine and champagne. but i will never be someone who says "i hated being pregnant". and i'm not sure how long it will take me to stop missing it, or if i will. i want to have more children and i will hopefully experience it again, but the first time is so special. it was perfect, i am lucky, and i know i'm allowed to have mixed emotions about this whole experience.

but looking at this face everyday? it makes everything ok :)