almost.

he is almost one. this baby boy that keeps growing, right before my eyes, is now on the cusp of toddlerhood. one and no longer a tiny, helpless being. he is independent, learning new things and becoming more autonomous every single day. but he is not one yet.

he is still my tiny, little, baby boy. i still hold him each night before he goes to bed and i'm the first one he sees each morning. i still nurse him at those times (and only those times) and while i am ready to wean, i am clinging to these last weeks of such a strong bond. if he's not nursing, not eating purees, not being swaddled, not fitting into 3-6 month clothes (retired the last one today), not awkwardly grasping for the simplest of toys...then, what?

i go through different stages these days. one minute i am so excited for what is ahead. walking, playing at the park, talking, doing things on his own. and the very next, on the verge of tears over the idea of him walking away from me, not being small enough to fit into tiny sleepers with animals on the feet, saying NO! all day. i am excitedly planning his first birthday party (two, actually). i am feeling anxious over his first birthday, a whole year from when i met first him. i grapple with no longer having a little baby that people say "oh, so tiny!". that i dressed in sweet little clothes made for preemies. that i nursed 12 times a day. that i can barely remember.

his tiny mewing cries are now loud and the house is filled with his screaming. he is alert, active, and ready for more life. his once quiet breath has turned into babbling and laughing. he is so much more fun to be with, to play with...and yet i am sad to leave my baby behind.

clearly, he can't believe it either ;)

i imagine the next time i post, finley holden will be a whole year old. and i'll either be laughing and playing with my big boy or crumpled in a heap on the floor of his nursery thinking about those early days, trying to remember every bit of them before more years pass.

busy busy!

it's birthday month. one year is quickly approaching. we're very busy - me party planning, prepping and finley being 11 months. he is a crazy boy and has been giving me a run for my money.

these pictures depict about a ten minute span in which he attacked me with cuteness, played with the radiator (which wasn't hot then, but is a NO touch object), pulled on the end table to get to a glass orb (NO touch), and whipped his mittens around for a bit.

who me? not getting in trouble! :cue head shake to indicate no: his new thing is to shake his head when he's doing something he shouldn't. he does this when he doesn't want to do or eat something, too.

along with terrorizing the house and its other inhabitants, he's been battling a laundry list of illnesses this winter. he hasn't been 100% well since before christmas. after january's perforated ear drum, new tooth, and 2 week cold that resulted in 2 separate bouts of a viral rash, he got a 24 hour stomach bug (as did i, in ikea) and a double ear infection with another ruptured drum in his left ear. oh, and more teeth!

but we're on the upswing and i'm hoping that he's happy and healthy for his first birthday.