1 month postpartum

well, unless i get abs of steel in the next few months that i'll definitely want to show off, these will be my last belly pictures for this pregnancy. i still have a nice layer of flubby skin on my low belly, but the bump is pretty much gone. i haven't weighed myself but i know i'm not even close to pre-pregnancy. i have a lot to lose on my arms, hips and thighs and somehow i've got to get rid of the stretchmarks that are everywhere. no lie, i found more after pregnancy and i have no idea how i'll ever wear a bathing suit without scaring people from the beach. with that, here's my 2 week and 1 month postpartum belly shots:

as far as being 1 month past labor, i'm feeling good (aside from exhaustion due to certain newborn's schedule). the first few weeks were difficult to move around, but i've healed quite well. thank goodness for mesh underwear, ice packs, pads, and witch hazel (plus a constant dose of motrin). i've been off those things for the past two weeks and i feel almost back to normal. though for standard tmi purposes, my stitches are still in place. i'll be happy when those melt or absorb or whatever they do...i could go without the direct reminder of how i got them ;)

i'm lucky to have not gotten the baby blues. at least, not yet. i was of course sad about no longer being pregnant, but my baby makes me so happy that i can't possibly get sad over him. yes, i get frustrated when he cries at 4 am and i am tired. i have some self esteem problems over this body i'm left with, but it got me a healthy baby and i am thankful for the work it did. overall, i'd say i'm doing well and feeling pretty good!

after a month of breastfeeding, i finally feel comfortable with it. it wasn't easy. it was painful for the first few days, but i pumped on top of his feedings and have a freezer stash with 100 oz ready when i need it. he can now latch easily and it's no longer painful. i wanted and still want to give up, but i won't. i know the benefits and i do think as he becomes more alert, the bonding will continue. right now i feel like an animal, which, i guess i am. mammals lactate and feed their young - humans aren't special in that regard. i also hate how much i leak. breast pads are annoying and mine are constantly "full". i wash nursing bras and tops almost daily. if i even think of finn my boobs fill up and consequently leak...

so, that's that. i've been a mom for one month and i couldn't be happier with my little family. mr. h3b is an amazing father and watching him (he's wearing the moby and vacuuming as i write this!) with his son makes me so proud and happy. we are a team and i am so lucky.                                         

1 month/due date

oh my, time flies! finley turned one month old today, on his original due date (3.26.10 - this posted late). i cannot imagine just giving birth or possibly being pregnant right now, still waiting for labor to begin. as much as i (still) miss being pregnant, i bet that ninth month is pretty tough ;) i'd take another month somewhere in the second trimester!

finn is growing like crazy. he is so chubby now, with round cheeks, an extra chin, and a huge belly. it's adorable and crazy at the same time - how can he gain so much from a liquid diet? and so fast? i bought pants for him last friday and they were too big on the waist. today they fit him! i'm proud of me for being able to feed him so well and pleased that he has done such a good job learning to breastfeed.

he has even more active/alert time now. his sweet little eyes search the room for exciting things. still ranking high on that list are: lamps, the blue walls, and the ceiling. but he really loves our faces. he is content to look into our eyes and study our features. i started reading to him and his face brightens as he listens to my voice and watches me talk. it melts my heart to connect with him like this - as a person who hears and sees and wonders. i love everything about him!

i've got plenty to post about postpartum recovery and my favorites baby items thus far, but for now, here are some pictures from his one month photo shoot today. i took these this afternoon and he was such a cooperative little baby!

the first and last pictures feature quilts my husband used as a baby. one was made by his mom and one by his great grandma. his mom brought them down so i could take pictures with finn using them.

3 weeks

i have a three week old baby! that's crazy, because i should be 39 weeks pregnant. instead i have my little peanut baby here by my side, snoozing while i skip sleep to blog...

the first few weeks have been great. sure, tiring, occasionally stressful, and certainly the adjustment of a lifetime. but looking at finley, watching him change before my eyes - it's been amazing. somehow i can survive on spurts of one hour of sleep, being his sole food source, and i'm sure it's because i get to spend my days loving on him.

mr. h3b and i were lucky enough to have grandma support for the first two weeks which made the transition into parenthood quite smooth. having extra hands whenever, for things beyond baby holding, was exactly what we needed to cope with the changes. dishes were magically done. laundry washed, folded, and put away. groceries purchased and meals prepared. there was plenty of grandson loving, too :) hmm, typing this out makes me miss those first bleary days for (of course) newborn baby and live-in gmas.

finn is growing so quickly. i weighed myself and him on the wii and it seems as though he is now about 7.5lb - we'll see at his 1 month check up. he is breastfeeding like a champ. we ditched the nipple shields during week 2 and he now latches easily (mostly) and feeds about every 2.5 hours. this results in short naps, but he's gotten calmer and more used to sleeping on his own. the first week or so was filled with noises and whimpers and cries that kept us all up. unless he was being held or laying next to someone, there was no sleep. he now sleeps soundly in his bouncer (not so much the pack and play yet) while swaddled in the kiddopotamus.

the biggest change we've noticed (aside from increased lung capacity...) is his ability to track objects. he crosses his eyes less often and can see things you move around in front of him. we attached the toy bar to his bouncer tonight and he watched those things for a good 20 minutes. it is amazing to see him stare in awe at the world around him. so innocent and interested.

i find myself snuggling into his neck folds and smelling his baby shampooed hair and just cherishing these sweet moments of tiny. i love when he finds me with his eyes, so alert, like he knows that i'm his mom. i crave his smooth skin and can't help but rub the back of his neck and his skinny thighs without even realizing i'm doing it. i'm starting to know his cries and noises and i feel at ease comforting him when he is upset.

i'm not perfect and i have no idea what will happen next, but newborn is faster than pregnancy, and i'm just trying my best to take it all in. pictures, videos, memories - everything is fleeting and i feel like i need to document it all. but i'm also happy to watch the sleep smiles, post feed eyebrow scrunch, and adorable successive sneezes and just be in the moment.

on not being pregnant

it should come as no surprise to me that i'm no longer pregnant. this is proven when i 1) look down at my deflated belly and/or 2) look over to see my beautiful baby. however, these things do not keep me from forgetting, every hour or so, that i was pregnant just over a week ago and that sometimes i think i still am. i knew i wouldn't like not being pregnant, even as sore and tired as i was towards the end (and i only made it 36w!). don't get me wrong, i love finley more than anything in the world. i love having him out here to gaze at and to adore. but i still long to feel him inside of me, where he was all mine and i was never alone.

it's probably a bit of post baby blues, mild though noticeable, but i feel sad every time i realize i'm not pregnant. no more kicks, no more belly, no more keeping my inside baby safe and warm at all times. if i take a nap, or go to the store, or sit at my computer, i do it alone. i said it was fleeting and it was. maybe it's because he came a month early - i missed out on a whole (uncomfortable) month with him still in there, pushing out his bum and rolling for the video camera. i don't want to feel sad about this. and thankfully, it doesn't keep me from enjoying every second of my baby. but i miss pregnancy all the same.

when i get a little teary eyed, i remind myself, so easily, that i get to hold him tight on the outside. to see his hair, his lips, his tiny wrinkled knees. i get to kiss his face and to hear him coo and gurgle his content (or discontent). i am his sole source of food and the person he probably recognizes most. i am lucky to have him safe and healthy. he is with me in my arms, to kick and flail out here in the world.

and i do enjoy not being pregnant, too. i can bend over! i slept on my stomach last night. i ate a lunch meat sandwich two days in a row and already indulged in wine and champagne. but i will never be someone who says "i hated being pregnant". and i'm not sure how long it will take me to stop missing it, or if i will. i want to have more children and i will hopefully experience it again, but the first time is so special. it was perfect, i am lucky, and i know i'm allowed to have mixed emotions about this whole experience.

but looking at this face everyday? it makes everything ok :)

postpartum belly

just what you wanted to see!

but really, i'm an open book type of gal. if you read my birth story, you can handle a few pictures of my soft and jiggly, stretch marked, post birth belly.

here's my last belly pic:

 

here's 2 days after birth:

here's 1 week postpartum:

i weighed myself at our pediatrician's office (sadly, i didn't fit in the baby scale) and i've lost 15 lbs so far. i eat peeps, hamburgers, and shamrock shakes. i drink water constantly, breastfeed 10 times a day, and pump at least three times a day.

he's here! part 1

well, he’s here! my baby boy decided to arrive exactly a month early – ready to meet the world. here’s the extra long version of my birth story (no, there’s no cliffs notes, so grab a mug and settle in). also, i don’t hold back. if you get squeamish or are a boy that doesn’t want think of the vaginal canal, then i suggest you skip this story :)

part 1: water breaks, labor starts.

during my 35th week, i had been feeling crampy, but no pressure (well, no additional pressure) or real contractions. at 35w4d, i noted to mr. h3b that he had dropped. there was a slight overhang at my lower belly and i had lots of extra squishy room at the top of my stomach. on wednesday, at 35w5d we had our hospital tour. luckily we learned all about labor and delivery locations and protocol. after all of the walking, i definitely felt some lower back pain and cramping that evening.

i woke up on thursday feeling fine. at 3:30 pm, as i was cooking hard boiled eggs and starting a homemade batch of chicken noodle soup, i felt something strange. i took a step and felt a bit of wetness. if you’ve been pregnant, this isn’t that concerning. (if not…someone has warned you now ;) but then i took another step toward the bathroom to check things out and wooooooosh. epic, movie quality water breaking. i knew it wasn’t pee instantly. it came gushing out and soaked my leggings down to the knees. i hopped on the toilet and out it came, pouring. part of me tried to convince myself that maybe it was pee…i was 35w6d and so not ready. i tried to get up and make it to my phone, thinking that after the big gushes, maybe it was all done. another note, the water keeps coming. let’s just say my dogs are excellent at cleaning crumbs from the kitchen and, um, “mopping”…

so i stuck a towel between my legs and called mr. h3b in tears. i think he knew instantly based on the quivered voice that grew into all out sobs. i was pretty scared and felt alone and unsure of what i knew was happening. he started to make his way home form work and i called my doctor. they said i needed to go to l&d immediately and called to arrange my arrival. i started rushing around the house, pantless, stuffing things into my hospital bag. between my nervous tears, i found clothes, overnight supplies, food, camera, ipod – nothing was ready so i imrovised. i saw my husband running up the sidewalk (he walks to work and i keep the car) and lost it. when he got into the house, i just needed to be held. he was amazing and supportive and convinced me that we were ready, and whatever wasn’t ready at home would get there.

he packed the car, i said goodbye to my baby dogs and we headed to the hospital, our last trip as just him and me. we got to l&d at 4:30 pm and i went to the birthing room right away, got changed and hooked up to the monitors. i was having small contractions that i couldn’t feel and baby h3b had a strong heartbeat. they came in to check that my water had indeed broken and i swear to you, the speculum was the most painful thing i think i had felt in my life (this was before the rest of labor, of course…). i was barely 1 cm and besides my water breaking, i would have had no idea i was in labor. they inserted an iv line and i managed to stay conscious through the procedure ;)

 

 because we had our second newborn care class that night (ha!), my dr. decided it was ok for us to go up for an hour to get some last minute information. about 40 minutes in i felt a ton of water leak out and had my first “painful” contraction. i went back to my room and at 9:15 pm my dr. decided that i needed to start pitocin to move things along a bit faster. my contractions were 5 minutes apart and barely noticeable.

by 12:30 am my mom had arrived and my contractions were now painful. i could still talk through them but things were progressing. i decided to shower at 1:30 am, which was a nice break from laying in the bed. by 3:30 am my contractions were extremely painful and i could no longer talk through them. i had gotten no sleep and had a crying breakdown over the pain for which i knew i was in. i continued to labor naturally and at 5:15 am they checked me. i was 4 cm and 100% effaced and his head was low. the pain was so strong, both during contractions and during rest, where i felt it in my lower back. i tried the birthing ball, which was a nice change but didn’t ease the pain. they were coming one on top of the other and the pressure on my bladder was so strong that i got up to pee every few minutes. mr. h3b’s mom and sisters arrived and the four spectators saw me at my worst. it was impossible to speak through the contractions and i had had enough. at 6:15 am i decided to get an epidural. i knew i would never have the birth i had imagined in the state i was in. i was terrified of the epidural but the thought of enduring the contractions for another 4 or more hours was too much.

part 2

part 2: delivery.

at 6:45 am i got the epidural. mr. h3b and the nurse held my hands and i tried my best not to cry like a baby. i didn’t feel anything right away and had another set of painful contractions before i started to feel them get a little shorter with each passing minute. my left side went numb but my right side didn’t, so they gave me a bit more and i finally felt relief. the next hurdle was the catheter. honestly, this was part of the reason i didn’t want an epidural. while the nurse inserted it, my blood pressure dropped and i almost passed out. the reaction was worse than the actual procedure – i couldn’t feel a thing. i was able to sleep for a few hours and woke up feeling like the catheter was wrongly inserted. there was burning and pressure and i told the nurse that maybe it wasn’t in right.

i was wrong. that feeling was the baby coming down, getting ready. at 9 am, i was finally 10 cm with just an anterior lip. the news sent me into a new set of emotions. i was actually going to have a baby (did my brain miss the memo during the hours of contractions? i’m not sure.). my dr. was in surgery and my nurse asked if i could “wait” for 20 more minutes. i didn’t feel an intense urge to push, just a lot of pressure, so i managed to hold back. it was really important to me to have my dr. deliver the baby. during this waiting time, my husband and i had to decide on a name. we knew the first name but we wrote out our 2 options for the middle name and were finally able to make our choice. nothing like waiting until the last minute!

at 10:05 am my dr. arrived and gave me instructions on how to push. we waited for a few good contractions and at 10:10 am i began to push. it wasn’t like i imagined – like on tv with commotion and feet in stirrups, bum off the table. instead it was 3 people and me. mr. h3b was on my right side, the nurse on my left, and my dr. was sitting on the bed. it was as “relaxed” as pushing a baby out could be. i felt like i was hanging out with my friends (albeit completely exposed from the waist down). for each contraction, i pulled my knees up and pushed down for a count of ten, 3 times. the nurse and mr. h3b held my knees and feet and my dr. talked me through each push. after the first set i just started crying. it was surreal. they thought i was in pain, but it was just so overwhelming and amazing.

between contractions we chatted. i was still self conscious about my exposure level so my dr. laid a towel over me and we were able to interact without the elephant in the room lingering between me and my dr. (the elephant being my exposed lady parts, fyi…). with each contraction, my support system talked me through and let me know when they could see his head and hair. i know mr. h3b found this amazing- he kept telling me what he could see and how great i was doing. even though it felt worse to push him down, they kept assuring me that getting his head getting out would feel so much better. i went back and forth between being ready and being terrified.

because i was a month early, i knew the peds dr. and nurses would be down for the birth to make sure everything was ok. i had hoped for him to be brought up to my chest and to see and hold him while still on the cord, but we weren’t sure what would happen. as i pushed, i knew i was close when they made the call for the group to come down and get prepared. i could feel an insane amount of pressure and my dr. scooted me down to the edge of the bed, my feet in the stirrups. with each contraction i moved him further down and at 10:45 am i could start to feel him crowning - his head was exposed and staying there. with a few more good pushes i felt the burning and tearing of his head leaving me, even with the epidural. she told me to stop pushing and said his head all the way out.

at 10:57 am on 2.26.2010, the rest of him slid out and i looked down to see my little baby laying on the bed. he immediately let out a loud, strong cry. mr. h3b, excited and emotional, got to cut the cord, but instead of bringing him to me, they whisked him to the side to start the tests and assessments that would decide whether he was mature enough to go to the nursery or if he needed time in the nicu (as a late preterm baby). while it was hard for me, it was amazing to see my husband so emotional. he grabbed the camera and stayed by the baby while they extracted fluid, tested glucose, and announced his apgars (a 9 and 8). he continued to wail and managed to pee all over everything in there :)

 

i was afraid of delivering the placenta, for bleeding reasons, and my dr. was surprised that i was so scared being that i had just pushed out a baby. mr. h3b watched and i covered my face with a towel so as not to see a bit of it. i could feel a giant jelly fish-like object leaving and that was all i needed as proof that it was gone… i asked her about tearing and she told me i had two of the smallest tears that she wouldn’t have even needed to fix up, but that she would stitch just to make everything perfect. that was rough and i knew i had torn upward toward my urethra, so i asked if i was going to pee through my vagina from here on out. that sent everyone into laughing fits. i was half serious, but she said things would eventually return to “normal”.

during this time i tried to concentrate on my baby boy. i hadn’t held or even really seen him yet and it started to wear on me. where was he? why couldn’t i hold him? my patience was thinning and i made it clear that i needed him to be brought to me. finally they agreed he was ok and would not need time in the nicu and he came out to be weighed. originally they stated he was 5lb 7oz and he was brought to me at 11:25 am. the experience was beyond anything i have ever or could ever imagine. seeing my child up close, holding him and smelling him, and seeing his alert eyes watching me – i cried tears of love that i have never experienced before.

 i spent some time just taking it all in. mr. h3b and i stared, awestruck, at this tiny being we created. there is nothing like it and i would relive the entire birth experience over and over just to have that feeling again. it’s a memory that i will never forget.

at 11:40 am my husband and i introduced finley holden to some of his family. the grandparents were immediately in love and while i didn’t give up the baby to anyone, i shared as much as i could of him with our families. at 11:50 am i tried to nurse but he wouldn’t latch and they wanted to take him up to the nursery to be measured and tested. i felt rushed and really wanted to try - if there was a disappointing part of this experience, it would be missing out on those first moments and trying to nurse him immediately after birth. but the sweetness of his wide eyes and the love and euphoria i felt for my husband and me and our new baby outweighed any wishes i may have had.

mr. h3b went with finley to the nursery, where they reweighed him and found him to be 5lb 14 oz. they retested the original scale and weighed him 3 more times and sure enough, he was bigger than they thought. he was 20 inches long (!) and his head circumference was 12.5 inches. he had his first bath and all of his reflexes were tested. during this time i was “packed” and moved to a recovery room. i slept on and off as my eyes just could not stay open. it was almost 3 hours before i got to see him again, but when i saw my husband carrying his son into our room, it was worth the wait.

i immediately unswaddled him and looked at his tiny, perfect features. all of his toes, curled on his little baby feet, his long, skinny legs full of wrinkles, and his piano player hands with the longest, most beautiful nail beds ever. he was so tiny but so perfect. i took off his hat to expose an extreme cone head full of just barely strawberry blonde hair. i was so happy to see him healthy. while 4 weeks early isn’t too scary, it’s borderline and we were just so lucky to have a baby ready for the world.

 

part 3

part 3: the first few days.

we spent the rest of the day with our families, just taking him all in. he slept the entire time and was passed around to be showered with love. he stayed in our room the first night and i finally started to breastfeed on day two. i met with a lactation consultant twice and had a fabulous nurse to help him and me get started. on the second night, we sent him to the nursery to get sleep and while he was there they tested his blood for jaundice. it came back at 11, then after another test, at 12.5, and we were told our pediatrician would let us know what the next steps would be.

on sunday morning, we met with a number of people and it was decided that we would supplement with formula to get him gaining weight, pooping, and clearing out the bilirubin from his body but that instead of another night in the hospital, we’d go home. i was breastfeeding and pumping to try and get my milk in and we all thought this would keep the jaundice from getting worse. we were reassured that all of this (lethargy, difficulty latching/feeding, and jaundice) was common for late preterm babies.

he was discharged with a 7% body weight loss (5lb 8oz). we brought him home and spent the rest of the day being amazed by his sleep, his furrowed brow, and his adorable lips. the first night was less than fun as he did not sleep or stay calm from midnight to 5 am. my nipples were sore from the feeding and pumping and i was tired and frustrated that breastfeeding wasn’t helping to calm him. i was sore and had trouble moving around and i felt like the house was a mess (even though our wonderful families had cleaned, my bags were everywhere and there were/are so many projects left to do.)

on monday we had an appointment with our pediatrician after getting another set of blood work to test his bili levels. they had increased to 16 rather than coming down and we were readmitted to the pediatric floor for photo therapy. it was hard to go back to the hospital, but i knew this was the very best thing for my tiny boy. i continued to breastfeed, pump, and supplement with formula and he spent the day and night tanning in the warm, blue bed. my milk came in (yay, on days 3/4!) and i started my stash.

as they tested periodically, his levels began to drop. by morning he was a 14.5 and they turned the lights off to see how he’d be after 5 hours. finally he was back to 11.1 and our pediatrician was ready to let him go home. i was so thankful for the overnight stay because i had another meeting with a lactation consultant and she spent over an hour working on techniques. we had an amazing feed and i was told i didn’t have to supplement anymore.

we made the trip home again and have been here now for almost 24 hours. my mom is here for the week to help us with anything and everything. i continue to pump after every other daytime feed and he continues to nurse, sleep, pee and poop. he is the sweetest, cutest baby ever. his coos, facial expressions, flailing arms and kicking feet are more adorable than words can describe. i feel so lucky to have him, home and healthy, and even though i thought i wasn’t ready, i am.