on not being pregnant

it should come as no surprise to me that i'm no longer pregnant. this is proven when i 1) look down at my deflated belly and/or 2) look over to see my beautiful baby. however, these things do not keep me from forgetting, every hour or so, that i was pregnant just over a week ago and that sometimes i think i still am. i knew i wouldn't like not being pregnant, even as sore and tired as i was towards the end (and i only made it 36w!). don't get me wrong, i love finley more than anything in the world. i love having him out here to gaze at and to adore. but i still long to feel him inside of me, where he was all mine and i was never alone.

it's probably a bit of post baby blues, mild though noticeable, but i feel sad every time i realize i'm not pregnant. no more kicks, no more belly, no more keeping my inside baby safe and warm at all times. if i take a nap, or go to the store, or sit at my computer, i do it alone. i said it was fleeting and it was. maybe it's because he came a month early - i missed out on a whole (uncomfortable) month with him still in there, pushing out his bum and rolling for the video camera. i don't want to feel sad about this. and thankfully, it doesn't keep me from enjoying every second of my baby. but i miss pregnancy all the same.

when i get a little teary eyed, i remind myself, so easily, that i get to hold him tight on the outside. to see his hair, his lips, his tiny wrinkled knees. i get to kiss his face and to hear him coo and gurgle his content (or discontent). i am his sole source of food and the person he probably recognizes most. i am lucky to have him safe and healthy. he is with me in my arms, to kick and flail out here in the world.

and i do enjoy not being pregnant, too. i can bend over! i slept on my stomach last night. i ate a lunch meat sandwich two days in a row and already indulged in wine and champagne. but i will never be someone who says "i hated being pregnant". and i'm not sure how long it will take me to stop missing it, or if i will. i want to have more children and i will hopefully experience it again, but the first time is so special. it was perfect, i am lucky, and i know i'm allowed to have mixed emotions about this whole experience.

but looking at this face everyday? it makes everything ok :)