musings on four

finn is now officially four. it's not like things changed overnight, but four seems like a fun and challenging age in which he's learning about being a real part of the world around him. he is realizing that everyone doesn't revolve around him and this is a hard lesson to learn. some days he accepts no for an answer and other days he loses it. i'm often "in jail" because i "hurt his feelings" by saying no to something. when he was younger, no almost always caused a reaction but these days it's different. he feels something when he is told no and he doesn't just flop to the ground in tears (well, sometimes he still does). he processes emotions a bit better and verbalizes his feelings.

he is a sensitive boy. sometimes my heart gets a little pang of sadness when i see him with other kids. he doesn't often run around wildly with strangers or even groups of his friends. he doesn't push his way into the inner circle and i see that he feels left out even when no one has said he can't join in.  when he was a baby he didn't belly laugh very much. he didn't do a lot of cooing and interacting with the world. he watched and listened, always staring (we often joked that he was judging everyone/everything). its very similar now. he will sit and watch, like he's hoping to hop in but he's waiting for an invitation.

this sensitivity is sweet for us at home. he loves to cuddle. "whi bit snuggle?", ('little bit') he says. it's one of the few things he still mispronounces and while he knows how to correct it, i love it so we joke with each other requesting whi bit snuggle all of the time. (add 'lellow', 'kittnen' and 'buttnon' to my favorite leftover mispronunciations.)

but he is not always sweet and sensitive and subdued. he is wild and crazy and can usually be found perching on some piece of furniture, ready to launch into some crazy dismount. as a result he is often riddled with scratches and bruises. what kid isn't? but he has a special way of injuring himself so frequently and i'm sure his number of head injuries is higher than most. (we're at 4 serious ones in the last 6 months)

his most recent is one i'll share here because it's so insane i'm afraid i'll forget the details and when i need to retell the story some day in the future to him, i'll want to remember. he was in bed, asleep. husband and i had just tucked in at about 11:45pm when we heard an awful, super loud series of bumps. i was terrified someone had broken in it was so loud. but then nothing. no crying within a few seconds...so i was concerned someone was hurt and unable to cry and we launched ourselves into the hall toward finn's room. my husband opened the door and flipped on the overhead light and there was blood everywhere. finn was in shock, sputtering, and his head, ear, back and bed was full of bright red blood. i rushed to him and brought him into the dark - the light had terrified him even more and he thought he was in trouble. i begged him to tell me what happened while i searched his face and head for the bleeding.

once he calmed he told me he'd fallen out of bed and we figured out that he hit the back of his head on the square table doubling as a night stand. i don't handle blood well at all (it's been noted in several stories here on the blog), so i handed him off to husband while i called my mom for a ER/no ER debate and spent time hunched over/vomiting in the sink. hubsand found the wound, a small puncture right to the base of the head, and stopped the bleeding. after also calling husband's mom, it was decided that we skip the ER visit and just watch him. i put him through a 'recite things you know, walk this line, check your pupils' series of tests and he passed all of them. he got a snack and water and a movie with dad while i tried to regain proper blood pressure and get some sleep.

the next day it was like it never happened for him, but i won't ever forget the sight of opening the door to your supposedly sleeping child and finding him covered in blood.

ah, 4 year olds. life isn't dull!

rowan and sleep

i mentioned in the 9 month post that i was at the very end of my rope when it came to sleep (lack of) for the past 9 months. so we took the plunge and went cold turkey on night feedings and a few other things, allowing rowan to cry and hopefully learn to self soothe a bit.

previously rowan has not cried anything "out" - when he has been left to cry, he never seems to tire and if he does, he wakes up soon after, again and again. i suppose we offered mixed messages in that most times i would go in and soothe him usually by nursing, but other times i'd try just to rock, or my husband would go in and sooth or feed him a bottle. but after 9 months of feeding on demand almost ALL night i couldn't go on. i know people have mixed feelings about CIO and it doesn't work for every baby, every age, or every parent. but i was becoming an angry, sleep deprived shell of a person, unable to be a happy and patient mother during the day and poor rowan was so, so tired all of the time.

he never nursed before naps, but i did swaddle and rock him to sleep, so day one of naps was 45 minutes of crying and no actual nap. i went in to console him with calm words and a few pats, but i left him there. i usually feed him right after nap but i had to wait because i knew he'd fall asleep while nursing and just assume that was the "new nap". he eventually did fall asleep while i was holding him and i put him in his crib. days 2 and 3 weren't much better. this morning was day 4 and it took him less than 2 minutes to fall asleep for the morning nap (usually we're in the car for this one) and he slept for an hour and a half. the afternoon one took longer to cry but he slept for about 20 minutes on his own. still a work in progress!

the first few nights were hard. i still rock and nurse him at bedtime as part of our whole routine and i am not willing to give that up. i think it can easily be learned that he has one cuddle time before bed and then he doesn't get to nurse again until morning. he goes down easily, either asleep or mostly asleep and between 8:30 and 12 is his typical longest stretch. the first few nights he woke and cried throughout the night at various feeding times. i went in a few times when he seemed very upset and consoled him without picking him up. it was hard but each night he cried a little less.

by the third night i hadn't heard a peep from him when i went to bed and i slept so soundly that i either missed his cries (unlikely) or he also slept soundly ALL night. he woke up happy and hungry and we didn't deal with the 5 am to 7 am 15 minute crying intervals that usually happen after the wakeful sleep patterns he's had. i felt like a whole new person. each night i'd slept a bit more, so by today i was like super mom. cleaning, cooking, working out, going outside - i felt sane! what's more, rowan was happier. perhaps cutting his first tooth helped (he's still got more ready to pop, though), but he seemed rested.

i'm crossing my fingers that he can continue to sleep better. longer stretches without fitful screaming will help our whole family. we've got a video monitor on the way since i'm not going in there as often - i feel like i want to see what's doing, just in case. he doesn't seem unhappy, he still trusts me, and we praise him for good sleep. so far this is working so we'll keep it up and hope that he just sleeps instead of crying it out.

baby rowan: 9 months

mr. baby is 9 months! he's as many months out as he was in (gave or take some weeks, i guess). he's 18lb8oz (10-25%) and 28 1/2" (55%), so shorter and heavier than finn at this age which makes him look a lot bigger in pictures. a lot changed for him this past month and it's happening so quickly! the biggest milestone has been crawling. i mentioned it in the last update and since he first started, he's turned into an expert! so quick to the cords, the tiny flecks of paper, rogue lego parts, and the dogs' food and water. but also quick to his toys, to his mama, to chase his brother.

he can now pull up on everything, so he entertains himself at his music table and busy box, jumps in his crib (now much lower), and attempts to scandalize me while i'm in pajama pants. he loves to get out of the house and experience busy places - he's so much happier when he's not inside our house! he's great at restaurants right now, loves going to the Y drop off center, and enjoys playtime with finn's friends.

he spends most of his time chewing on various objects, crying to be held, or eating. ro loves to eat! he's been branching out and pretty much eats everything but honey. i smash or blend up whatever we're having for dinner - spicy, flavorful foods, meats and sauces and soups - he eats it all. he still eats a lot of pureed veggies for lunch as well as plain and baby yogurt. i've been offering a lot of small bits of food like beans, cheese, bread, frozen fruits, bananas rolled in crumbs, and eggs. he still likes yogurt melts and freeze dried fruit bits, but he is pretty much over puffs and cheerios for the moment.

 

just this weekend (at 9 months and a week or so) he finally cut his first tooth. his poor gums have been swollen and red for weeks. he's been drooly, easily upset, fighting sleep, and pink cheeked, so we've been on tooth watch for what seems like months. the first was his lower right front tooth. the next looks to be the lower left and he's got the upper right front tooth just behind. i imagine by the end of the week all three will be showing. never again will i see him with no teeth! no more gummy baby smiles - which is great since he needs teeth, but sad for me because i just love toothless baby mouths.

we're currently working on sleep. as i've mentioned rowan is not a good sleeper. he struggles to settle himself (as in, he has never settled himself) and does not sleep for long periods - not naps, not at night. i have been increasingly frustrated over this as the lack of sleep affects my days, my mental clarity, my patience...just about everything that keeps me sane and healthy comes from getting sleep. so at our last pedi appointment 4 days ago, she saw how worn out i seem and suggested that i either continue down the path we are on, picking and choosing techniques to try and find something that works for all of us, or we could CIO. i'm going to jot down our experience in another post. it's not for everyone (we did it ever so briefly with finn, too), but neither is feeding a baby every hour an a half all night every night for 9 months, so... i can report that after 3 nights rowan slept straight through the night, 8:30 pm to 7 am without uttering a single cry. i'm hoping that the trend continues and that night wakings become infrequent. we'll all be so much happier!

my baby turns four.

tomorrow finley turns four. as with every milestone, birthday, life change, i wax on about time and childhood, wishing for yesterday (or year) but looking toward the future. but this time, four? i don't want to look forward. i find myself missing his two year old self with his chubby cheeks and endless ringlets. when people say they blinked and everything changed i used to think, how? i mean you're right there, in it, living it. but this blinking and time passes thing is real.

i look at finley now and he is a boy. he is independent and smart and funny. he is no longer this little person that needs me for everything. he doesn't have curls in his hair and he's missing baby chub on his elbows and he just doesn't resemble the little boy i once knew. while i am happy he is all of the things he is now, i just cannot believe we're here. one year until 5?

he begs to snuggle with me these days but it isn't the same. he is bony and big and he hardly has time to sit with me. and honestly, i hardly have time for it either. rowan takes up a lot of my energy and needs a lot from me yet. so i cradle my big boy, and i smell his hair and rub his cheeks with mine and cherish right now. i don't know why i miss him so much when he's right here. it just feels different and i didn't know it would.

 

his play is new. he can imagine on his own and he plays pretend, making up scenarios and using voices and doing all of the things i used to wish he would figure out so i could have a moment to breathe. it is so sweet to watch. i love that he's learning new things so easily, working with new toys and recognizing numbers and letters and really being a part of the world around him. he's just started what will be a love of all things lego (we saw the movie, we bought some sets, we waiting to step on them in the middle of the night!). there's something about those figures and bricks that seem so big to me (perhaps its the choking hazard?).

 

he is a good big brother. rowan is on the move now and it's changed their dynamic already. to share or not to share? i'm excited to watch their brotherhood unfold and to see how finn handles his role. already finn is thoughtful and talks of the future. "this summer i will teach rowan to play baseball!" and the list of things they will do together grows longer each day as he realizes all of the things rowan will learn, just as he did, but ro will have the advantage of a playmate and teacher.

 

these days do not come without their challenges. finn is having difficulty dealing with strong emotions. almost four is better than early three, but he still has fits of anger and presses issues more than he did when he was younger. some of the smallest things set him off and we're still figuring out how to parent and navigate tantrums at this age. he isn't a baby, he has more free will, and we can't predict what he'll react to even though he can tell us what's wrong. 

 

i hate to be overly sappy, knowing that he still has many years of childhood yet to come, but moving past the baby and toddler stage for my first born has been quite an adjustment. it still seems impossible that i could have met this boy four years ago. just four years ago and yet four whole years ago. of course, it's really only me that feels this way. finn is loving life. he enjoys being able to do things for himself, he loves preschool, he likes the freedom that comes with being older. he doesn't seem to miss being a baby or being babied much at all.

we are so lucky. i am so glad to know him and to watch him grow and change. i am sad to miss his babyhood because i know it's gone forever, but i am happy to have it documented on the blog and in my photos. i thought i would remember every little detail. everything was so new and special - how could i forget? but you do. it's so much to bottle up! i can't stop time, but i've learned a lot in these four years about how to treasure it.

baby rowan: 8 months

rowan turned 8 months but i've been so tired i almost forgot to blog it! today we found out he has another double ear infection (his third round in less than three months) so that explains some of his cranky behavior and inability to sleep soundly in the last week or so.

rowan continues to be a "spirited" baby. he seems worse than before but perhaps its just the months of sleep deprivation catching up with me. that's not to say that he is never happy. sometimes he is so excited and so happy that i know in there somewhere he's ok. he loves his brother so much and when he's delighted he lets us know. but more often than not, he is whimpering, whining, or full out screaming. i suppose it feels more frequent than it is because i have plenty of pictures of him smiling and content, but i also rarely take pictures of him angry.

he's eating solids all of the time now and if someone else is eating, he wants in on it. he can use his hands to grasp puffs, yogurt melts, and cheerios, holds mum mums and teething biscuits, and attempts to use a sippy on his own. his favorite food is probably yogurt but he'll eat pretty much anything as long as he isn't already angry. i've still been making the majority of his foods and feeding him plenty of whatever we're having for dinner.

he still nurses around the clock about as many times at night as during the day (every 3 hours on average). my supply seems to be dropping just as it did with finley around this time, when my first post partum period returned and baby becomes easily distracted and frustrated by the need to produce a letdown. still, he seems satisfied. we've been feeding him the last of the tub of formula we bought so it doesn't go to waste and honestly it has eased some of the pressure i have over pumping when my supply is low and i don't have a great freezer stash anymore. at this point i am so worn down that i need to take help where i can, even if it's a bottle of formula every few days.

last night (2/12/14) rowan crawled for the first time. he wouldn't sleep so he was up playing and somehow taught himself to crawl while wearing a sleep sack. this from the baby that hated tummy time and wouldn't even do it a week or so ago, doesn't roll from tummy to back, and has no interest in standing or walking. when he finally did go to sleep, he woke himself up every half hour or so by popping up into crawl mode.  i even found him in his crib sitting up, so i guess he's figured out how to go from laying on his back (how i place him to sleep) to sitting upright in one single night as well.

i'm anxious to see if he might pop a few teeth, get past the new crawler stage, and recover from this set of ear infections to come out on the other side a new, happier baby. i keep thinking there must be something that is bugging him and i'm planning to chat more about it with his pedi at his 9 mo visit. we're doing all we can think of to ease his pain and calm him down and just looking for those moments in between when he's smiling his big, gummy baby smile and loving on us like he can't get enough cuddles and attention.

parenting is such a test.  you know it's real, true love when no matter what you still get up every time, you still go to them again and again after hours of screaming, and you hold them close and kiss their soft baby hairs and fight through the madness with as much love as you can muster (at 2, 3, and 4 am this can be tough). and you do it day after day with no real end in sight (though of course all of this will pass and he will not be a little baby and i will mourn the loss of babyhood all the same).

baby rowan: 7 months

well, he's more than half a year old. closer to one than to fresh newborn. as always, impossible! yet, here we are. sleep deprived to no end and still smitten with this chubby cheeked little guy.

rowan continues to be the complete opposite of finley (compare). he is a giggler, happy and smiley when all is right in his world. he's rounder, he's got straight blonde hair, and he can't sleep for anything. so i'll start with that. he doesn't sleep well, especially at night. he has gotten better at naps and sleeps in his crib during the day for those (or in the car since he tags along with finley's schedule). he naps three times a day and one of those is usually about two hours. at night, he falls asleep after a bedtime routine and nursing and starts in his crib. he wakes all night every night with a shrill, awful cry/scream, desperate for someone to hold him. he nurses 3-4 times between midnight and the morning unless i am so tired that i bring him into bed...then he nurses almost all night.

he hasn't slept longer than a 2-hour stretch for at least a month now. we've tried lots of "sleep solutions". all of the no cry ones i can find, cry it out for various lengths of time, nursing on demand, teething tablets, tylenol, lavender on the feet, hot room/cold room, white noise/music/silence, and even formula. i ebf and rarely even pump, but with our recent illnesses i thought maybe he was just so hungry and my supply wasn't enough so we gave him a few bottles a couple of times. he took them like a champ but it provided no relief in the sleep department. night terrors have been suggested but he isn't confused/unable to wake up and he is easily soothed if he gets what he wants. he is crying out to be held all night and even when held, he shrieks to nurse throughout the night. it's impossible! i haven't had a "good" night of sleep in 10 months. i don't think i've even slept for more than 4 hours at a single time for at least 9 months. i feel like i am going crazy with emotions over why he won't sleep and what it's doing to all of us. someday it HAS to click, right? at some point he WILL sleep. that's all i can hope right now.

otherwise, he's a pretty good baby. he is loving solid foods and wants to eat all of the time, especially when he sees anyone eating. he sits up and scoots around a little, leans forward and back to sitting. one of his favorite games is to throw his body into our comforter and then sit back up over and over. he can roll from back to belly but not the other way around (well, not that he does reliably, anyway). once on his belly he gets up on his hands, but no scooting, army crawl, dragging, etc and when he finds himself in this position he just cries. he can't pull himself up on furniture or toys, so no cruising or crib standing unless i place him there. he's mostly a sedentary child :)

he loves his big brother. he takes great delight when finn plays with him and even a glance in his direction gives rowan the biggest smile. just today they played together and rowan was the happiest i have ever seen him - his big blue eyes totally, happily fixated on the antics of his big brother. i hope their bond grows to be something great. i know it will be something i know nothing about, not really. it's when i think about their brotherhood that i realize (among countless other things) they are their own selves. they will have secrets and memories and stories and shared glances that come from times of which i am not privvy. i know this relationship as a sibling/sister, but i won't know THEIR relationship like they do. and it's already starting right here before my eyes.

even despite the lack of sleep, i am desperate to freeze time. i love this age. i love babies sitting up, giggling, happy to play hand clapping games. rowan just started reaching for me when i come to him and it melts my heart. he's beginning to understand kisses and will lean in, open mouthed, for a peck. he's still a baby, swaddled for naps, cuddly and sweet smelling but he's got a big personality and i just want to soak it up for more time.