musings on four

finn is now officially four. it's not like things changed overnight, but four seems like a fun and challenging age in which he's learning about being a real part of the world around him. he is realizing that everyone doesn't revolve around him and this is a hard lesson to learn. some days he accepts no for an answer and other days he loses it. i'm often "in jail" because i "hurt his feelings" by saying no to something. when he was younger, no almost always caused a reaction but these days it's different. he feels something when he is told no and he doesn't just flop to the ground in tears (well, sometimes he still does). he processes emotions a bit better and verbalizes his feelings.

he is a sensitive boy. sometimes my heart gets a little pang of sadness when i see him with other kids. he doesn't often run around wildly with strangers or even groups of his friends. he doesn't push his way into the inner circle and i see that he feels left out even when no one has said he can't join in.  when he was a baby he didn't belly laugh very much. he didn't do a lot of cooing and interacting with the world. he watched and listened, always staring (we often joked that he was judging everyone/everything). its very similar now. he will sit and watch, like he's hoping to hop in but he's waiting for an invitation.

this sensitivity is sweet for us at home. he loves to cuddle. "whi bit snuggle?", ('little bit') he says. it's one of the few things he still mispronounces and while he knows how to correct it, i love it so we joke with each other requesting whi bit snuggle all of the time. (add 'lellow', 'kittnen' and 'buttnon' to my favorite leftover mispronunciations.)

but he is not always sweet and sensitive and subdued. he is wild and crazy and can usually be found perching on some piece of furniture, ready to launch into some crazy dismount. as a result he is often riddled with scratches and bruises. what kid isn't? but he has a special way of injuring himself so frequently and i'm sure his number of head injuries is higher than most. (we're at 4 serious ones in the last 6 months)

his most recent is one i'll share here because it's so insane i'm afraid i'll forget the details and when i need to retell the story some day in the future to him, i'll want to remember. he was in bed, asleep. husband and i had just tucked in at about 11:45pm when we heard an awful, super loud series of bumps. i was terrified someone had broken in it was so loud. but then nothing. no crying within a few seconds...so i was concerned someone was hurt and unable to cry and we launched ourselves into the hall toward finn's room. my husband opened the door and flipped on the overhead light and there was blood everywhere. finn was in shock, sputtering, and his head, ear, back and bed was full of bright red blood. i rushed to him and brought him into the dark - the light had terrified him even more and he thought he was in trouble. i begged him to tell me what happened while i searched his face and head for the bleeding.

once he calmed he told me he'd fallen out of bed and we figured out that he hit the back of his head on the square table doubling as a night stand. i don't handle blood well at all (it's been noted in several stories here on the blog), so i handed him off to husband while i called my mom for a ER/no ER debate and spent time hunched over/vomiting in the sink. hubsand found the wound, a small puncture right to the base of the head, and stopped the bleeding. after also calling husband's mom, it was decided that we skip the ER visit and just watch him. i put him through a 'recite things you know, walk this line, check your pupils' series of tests and he passed all of them. he got a snack and water and a movie with dad while i tried to regain proper blood pressure and get some sleep.

the next day it was like it never happened for him, but i won't ever forget the sight of opening the door to your supposedly sleeping child and finding him covered in blood.

ah, 4 year olds. life isn't dull!

rowan and sleep

i mentioned in the 9 month post that i was at the very end of my rope when it came to sleep (lack of) for the past 9 months. so we took the plunge and went cold turkey on night feedings and a few other things, allowing rowan to cry and hopefully learn to self soothe a bit.

previously rowan has not cried anything "out" - when he has been left to cry, he never seems to tire and if he does, he wakes up soon after, again and again. i suppose we offered mixed messages in that most times i would go in and soothe him usually by nursing, but other times i'd try just to rock, or my husband would go in and sooth or feed him a bottle. but after 9 months of feeding on demand almost ALL night i couldn't go on. i know people have mixed feelings about CIO and it doesn't work for every baby, every age, or every parent. but i was becoming an angry, sleep deprived shell of a person, unable to be a happy and patient mother during the day and poor rowan was so, so tired all of the time.

he never nursed before naps, but i did swaddle and rock him to sleep, so day one of naps was 45 minutes of crying and no actual nap. i went in to console him with calm words and a few pats, but i left him there. i usually feed him right after nap but i had to wait because i knew he'd fall asleep while nursing and just assume that was the "new nap". he eventually did fall asleep while i was holding him and i put him in his crib. days 2 and 3 weren't much better. this morning was day 4 and it took him less than 2 minutes to fall asleep for the morning nap (usually we're in the car for this one) and he slept for an hour and a half. the afternoon one took longer to cry but he slept for about 20 minutes on his own. still a work in progress!

the first few nights were hard. i still rock and nurse him at bedtime as part of our whole routine and i am not willing to give that up. i think it can easily be learned that he has one cuddle time before bed and then he doesn't get to nurse again until morning. he goes down easily, either asleep or mostly asleep and between 8:30 and 12 is his typical longest stretch. the first few nights he woke and cried throughout the night at various feeding times. i went in a few times when he seemed very upset and consoled him without picking him up. it was hard but each night he cried a little less.

by the third night i hadn't heard a peep from him when i went to bed and i slept so soundly that i either missed his cries (unlikely) or he also slept soundly ALL night. he woke up happy and hungry and we didn't deal with the 5 am to 7 am 15 minute crying intervals that usually happen after the wakeful sleep patterns he's had. i felt like a whole new person. each night i'd slept a bit more, so by today i was like super mom. cleaning, cooking, working out, going outside - i felt sane! what's more, rowan was happier. perhaps cutting his first tooth helped (he's still got more ready to pop, though), but he seemed rested.

i'm crossing my fingers that he can continue to sleep better. longer stretches without fitful screaming will help our whole family. we've got a video monitor on the way since i'm not going in there as often - i feel like i want to see what's doing, just in case. he doesn't seem unhappy, he still trusts me, and we praise him for good sleep. so far this is working so we'll keep it up and hope that he just sleeps instead of crying it out.

baby rowan: 8 months

rowan turned 8 months but i've been so tired i almost forgot to blog it! today we found out he has another double ear infection (his third round in less than three months) so that explains some of his cranky behavior and inability to sleep soundly in the last week or so.

rowan continues to be a "spirited" baby. he seems worse than before but perhaps its just the months of sleep deprivation catching up with me. that's not to say that he is never happy. sometimes he is so excited and so happy that i know in there somewhere he's ok. he loves his brother so much and when he's delighted he lets us know. but more often than not, he is whimpering, whining, or full out screaming. i suppose it feels more frequent than it is because i have plenty of pictures of him smiling and content, but i also rarely take pictures of him angry.

he's eating solids all of the time now and if someone else is eating, he wants in on it. he can use his hands to grasp puffs, yogurt melts, and cheerios, holds mum mums and teething biscuits, and attempts to use a sippy on his own. his favorite food is probably yogurt but he'll eat pretty much anything as long as he isn't already angry. i've still been making the majority of his foods and feeding him plenty of whatever we're having for dinner.

he still nurses around the clock about as many times at night as during the day (every 3 hours on average). my supply seems to be dropping just as it did with finley around this time, when my first post partum period returned and baby becomes easily distracted and frustrated by the need to produce a letdown. still, he seems satisfied. we've been feeding him the last of the tub of formula we bought so it doesn't go to waste and honestly it has eased some of the pressure i have over pumping when my supply is low and i don't have a great freezer stash anymore. at this point i am so worn down that i need to take help where i can, even if it's a bottle of formula every few days.

last night (2/12/14) rowan crawled for the first time. he wouldn't sleep so he was up playing and somehow taught himself to crawl while wearing a sleep sack. this from the baby that hated tummy time and wouldn't even do it a week or so ago, doesn't roll from tummy to back, and has no interest in standing or walking. when he finally did go to sleep, he woke himself up every half hour or so by popping up into crawl mode.  i even found him in his crib sitting up, so i guess he's figured out how to go from laying on his back (how i place him to sleep) to sitting upright in one single night as well.

i'm anxious to see if he might pop a few teeth, get past the new crawler stage, and recover from this set of ear infections to come out on the other side a new, happier baby. i keep thinking there must be something that is bugging him and i'm planning to chat more about it with his pedi at his 9 mo visit. we're doing all we can think of to ease his pain and calm him down and just looking for those moments in between when he's smiling his big, gummy baby smile and loving on us like he can't get enough cuddles and attention.

parenting is such a test.  you know it's real, true love when no matter what you still get up every time, you still go to them again and again after hours of screaming, and you hold them close and kiss their soft baby hairs and fight through the madness with as much love as you can muster (at 2, 3, and 4 am this can be tough). and you do it day after day with no real end in sight (though of course all of this will pass and he will not be a little baby and i will mourn the loss of babyhood all the same).

baby rowan: 7 months

well, he's more than half a year old. closer to one than to fresh newborn. as always, impossible! yet, here we are. sleep deprived to no end and still smitten with this chubby cheeked little guy.

rowan continues to be the complete opposite of finley (compare). he is a giggler, happy and smiley when all is right in his world. he's rounder, he's got straight blonde hair, and he can't sleep for anything. so i'll start with that. he doesn't sleep well, especially at night. he has gotten better at naps and sleeps in his crib during the day for those (or in the car since he tags along with finley's schedule). he naps three times a day and one of those is usually about two hours. at night, he falls asleep after a bedtime routine and nursing and starts in his crib. he wakes all night every night with a shrill, awful cry/scream, desperate for someone to hold him. he nurses 3-4 times between midnight and the morning unless i am so tired that i bring him into bed...then he nurses almost all night.

he hasn't slept longer than a 2-hour stretch for at least a month now. we've tried lots of "sleep solutions". all of the no cry ones i can find, cry it out for various lengths of time, nursing on demand, teething tablets, tylenol, lavender on the feet, hot room/cold room, white noise/music/silence, and even formula. i ebf and rarely even pump, but with our recent illnesses i thought maybe he was just so hungry and my supply wasn't enough so we gave him a few bottles a couple of times. he took them like a champ but it provided no relief in the sleep department. night terrors have been suggested but he isn't confused/unable to wake up and he is easily soothed if he gets what he wants. he is crying out to be held all night and even when held, he shrieks to nurse throughout the night. it's impossible! i haven't had a "good" night of sleep in 10 months. i don't think i've even slept for more than 4 hours at a single time for at least 9 months. i feel like i am going crazy with emotions over why he won't sleep and what it's doing to all of us. someday it HAS to click, right? at some point he WILL sleep. that's all i can hope right now.

otherwise, he's a pretty good baby. he is loving solid foods and wants to eat all of the time, especially when he sees anyone eating. he sits up and scoots around a little, leans forward and back to sitting. one of his favorite games is to throw his body into our comforter and then sit back up over and over. he can roll from back to belly but not the other way around (well, not that he does reliably, anyway). once on his belly he gets up on his hands, but no scooting, army crawl, dragging, etc and when he finds himself in this position he just cries. he can't pull himself up on furniture or toys, so no cruising or crib standing unless i place him there. he's mostly a sedentary child :)

he loves his big brother. he takes great delight when finn plays with him and even a glance in his direction gives rowan the biggest smile. just today they played together and rowan was the happiest i have ever seen him - his big blue eyes totally, happily fixated on the antics of his big brother. i hope their bond grows to be something great. i know it will be something i know nothing about, not really. it's when i think about their brotherhood that i realize (among countless other things) they are their own selves. they will have secrets and memories and stories and shared glances that come from times of which i am not privvy. i know this relationship as a sibling/sister, but i won't know THEIR relationship like they do. and it's already starting right here before my eyes.

even despite the lack of sleep, i am desperate to freeze time. i love this age. i love babies sitting up, giggling, happy to play hand clapping games. rowan just started reaching for me when i come to him and it melts my heart. he's beginning to understand kisses and will lean in, open mouthed, for a peck. he's still a baby, swaddled for naps, cuddly and sweet smelling but he's got a big personality and i just want to soak it up for more time.

his only childhood

i know i have mentioned here that 3 is a hard age. parenting is difficult. i feel like it's a constant battle and it hasn't gotten easier the closer he gets to 4.

he is a sweet boy and we've changed his life pretty drastically this year (new baby, new house, new neighborhood, school), so some outburts are to be expected. but the kid is down right naughty at times (um, most times..?) and i find it impossible to keep my cool. i'm a "no" mom. i wish i were a "yes" mom but i freak out over messes and spills and toys everywhere and loud noises. it's not like i expect a speak only when spoken to, hang out in your room childhood. but i do require that he sit at the table for his meals, knees under the table facing forward with minimal spilling and use of utensils. i expect him to clean up his toys every day and to only have 1 or 2 types of toys out at any one time. i don't like it when he uses the furniture as a jungle gym, i don't like slamming toys into walls, i don't like anything being thrown in the house. so, i find myself saying no a lot. lots of warnings, lots of time outs (not just for these things, of course. sometimes he hits or screams or worse.), lots of me saying "finley, did you hear me? are you listening?". enough freedom? i don't know.

for as much as i say no, i say yes to things others might not. i allow him to go outside alone in our fenced back yard. i don't make him hold my hand everywhere. he gets in and out of the car on his own, even on the street. in writing that out, maybe i just let him live dangerously when outside of the house?! but really, even inside he is free to be on his own. i have always showered while he is awake, wandering the house. he can play wherever he wants, he just can't DO whatever he wants.

my point? i'm trying to find ways to say yes or relax a bit more because this is his ONE childhood. have i said that here before? my husband said it once and it is still resonating with me today. i'm going to make a graphic print of it and hang it so i can be reminded. this is his one childhood. he doesn't get another and i do want to make it as good as it can be. that doesn't mean every outing, ice cream all day, stay up and play as you please. i wish it could! no, i do want to teach him to be a productive, respectful member of society. a well behaved young man. a good eater, a hard worker, a funny person. but i also want him to be 3. to be 4 and 5 and so on and to be free to be a child. i don't want to spend every day telling him what he cannot do. what he has to do before he can do any of the things he loves to do. finding that balance has been on my mind every day lately. how can i help him have fun? how can i play as much as he wants without going crazy myself. how can i dote on a baby and a preschooler? how can i make his only childhood a great one? work in progress, i guess.

watch your mouth

i'd like to think that this type of thing happens to everyone. you're riding along in the car and your three year old asks you a question. in this case, "can we please go back to our old house and go to our old beach?". your husband responds, "no, we can't. a new couple lives there now so it's their house.". without missing a beat, three year old says, "what the f*@k?!" with proper attitude conveyed. 

and that did happen. just like that. husband and i looked at each other and i started to laugh (silently). finn continued repeat it and neither of us could respond. i didn't want to react at all, not with laughter (so he'd think it was funny) nor with anger (in case he'd do it again out of spite). eventually husband told finn that it just wasn't very nice to say (or hear) and that we shouldn't say it to others because it might hurt their feelings. i couldn't get it together and just kept giggling quietly. it's hilarious ot me when kids say things you don't expect. sometimes it's something witty and intelligent and other times it's just completely inappropriate.

i know this happened to my parents with me. as the story goes, they were watching a movie with a lot of swearing. i was milling about, maybe 2 or 3 years old, and went to my room to ride my rocking horse. a few minutes later they realized the movie was not for children when i was kicking my horse and repeating "you effing horse" in anger.

i know it won't be the last time he spouts something totally inappropriate and we'll have to navigate the whens and whys of what words to use (and why not). and now i know for sure that if i say something, little ears are listening. unless it's bedtime - somehow no one ever hears the call for bed...

the kindness of strangers

today was one of those days. honestly i was feeling pretty good this morning, rocking my mom skill set by cleaning the kitchen while finley played and rowan sat in the swing. we made banana bread and homemade melon lemonade (cooking, check!). finn played with playdoh (art, check!). we browsed the comics and the newspaper together (reading, check!). finn ate a great lunch and went right down for nap. of course rowan didn't nap much and as he does, struggled to rest really at all. 

when finn woke up early we had to head to the post office. i sold a camera and it needed to be out today and i figured since everyone was fairly happy, i could get in and out without much struggle. i was so very wrong. rowan screamed the second i put him in his car seat, which he always does. he hates the car seat but typically once we start to drive he settles. by the time we arrived at the post office he seemed content and i popped them both into the double stroller. as soon as the post office door shut behind me rowan flipped out. ear piercing screams that no pacifier was going to calm. i tried to rush through and get my package boxed and ready, but he just wouldn't stop. more people filtered in and more screaming ensued. 

i picked him up but even then, he wouldn't relax. i went through the line once to check postage and by that point i was sweating and just over it. as i was filling out insurance and signature forms i started to laugh uncontrollable, but it was tinged with overwhelmed emotions. rowan still screaming and kicking, i couldn't even write and poor finley was in the stroller asking to be finished. i started to tear up and a woman asked if she could hold rowan for me. her kind eyes were also tearing up and she asked if that would be ok, if i would mind. i didn't mind and i handed him over while i cried. i mumbled something about it being so hard and she told me she knew. she was sending a package to her grown daughter who had just moved away and even after all of those years, parenting is still hard. she told me holding rowan was helping her and as i struggled to remember even my own address (we just moved!), another woman chimed in to say she had twins and remembered how difficult it could be. it was a moment where woman i didn't knpw were supporting me, understanding that there are times that everything just overwhelms you, and telling me that it was ok.

i took rowan back and got in line behind at least 10 people, but the postal worker asked me to come to the front saying i had already waited in line. (i hate to rant on usps, but you don't often get preferential treatment there, so imagine my surprise)  when i cut through the line i said i knew everyone wanted me to get going, and then more people voiced that it was ok, he was just a baby. i could barely pay through the tears in my eyes. the pairing of the (previously) screaming baby and the kindness of strangers was too much. the postal worker told me finley deserved a treat for how wonderful he was to wait, telling me what a good boy he was. (hopefully a nod to my parenting?)

i thanked the woman that held rowan and struggled to leave the building without fully breaking down. hours later i'm still an emotional mess over it all. how can some things just be so hard? so many emotions, so little sleep. too many demands that just can't be met every day. i don't know why today was my breaking point, but it happened.

tomorrow will be better. and hopefully i'll get to pay the kindness of strangers forward.