my baby turns four.

tomorrow finley turns four. as with every milestone, birthday, life change, i wax on about time and childhood, wishing for yesterday (or year) but looking toward the future. but this time, four? i don't want to look forward. i find myself missing his two year old self with his chubby cheeks and endless ringlets. when people say they blinked and everything changed i used to think, how? i mean you're right there, in it, living it. but this blinking and time passes thing is real.

i look at finley now and he is a boy. he is independent and smart and funny. he is no longer this little person that needs me for everything. he doesn't have curls in his hair and he's missing baby chub on his elbows and he just doesn't resemble the little boy i once knew. while i am happy he is all of the things he is now, i just cannot believe we're here. one year until 5?

he begs to snuggle with me these days but it isn't the same. he is bony and big and he hardly has time to sit with me. and honestly, i hardly have time for it either. rowan takes up a lot of my energy and needs a lot from me yet. so i cradle my big boy, and i smell his hair and rub his cheeks with mine and cherish right now. i don't know why i miss him so much when he's right here. it just feels different and i didn't know it would.

 

his play is new. he can imagine on his own and he plays pretend, making up scenarios and using voices and doing all of the things i used to wish he would figure out so i could have a moment to breathe. it is so sweet to watch. i love that he's learning new things so easily, working with new toys and recognizing numbers and letters and really being a part of the world around him. he's just started what will be a love of all things lego (we saw the movie, we bought some sets, we waiting to step on them in the middle of the night!). there's something about those figures and bricks that seem so big to me (perhaps its the choking hazard?).

 

he is a good big brother. rowan is on the move now and it's changed their dynamic already. to share or not to share? i'm excited to watch their brotherhood unfold and to see how finn handles his role. already finn is thoughtful and talks of the future. "this summer i will teach rowan to play baseball!" and the list of things they will do together grows longer each day as he realizes all of the things rowan will learn, just as he did, but ro will have the advantage of a playmate and teacher.

 

these days do not come without their challenges. finn is having difficulty dealing with strong emotions. almost four is better than early three, but he still has fits of anger and presses issues more than he did when he was younger. some of the smallest things set him off and we're still figuring out how to parent and navigate tantrums at this age. he isn't a baby, he has more free will, and we can't predict what he'll react to even though he can tell us what's wrong. 

 

i hate to be overly sappy, knowing that he still has many years of childhood yet to come, but moving past the baby and toddler stage for my first born has been quite an adjustment. it still seems impossible that i could have met this boy four years ago. just four years ago and yet four whole years ago. of course, it's really only me that feels this way. finn is loving life. he enjoys being able to do things for himself, he loves preschool, he likes the freedom that comes with being older. he doesn't seem to miss being a baby or being babied much at all.

we are so lucky. i am so glad to know him and to watch him grow and change. i am sad to miss his babyhood because i know it's gone forever, but i am happy to have it documented on the blog and in my photos. i thought i would remember every little detail. everything was so new and special - how could i forget? but you do. it's so much to bottle up! i can't stop time, but i've learned a lot in these four years about how to treasure it.

baby rowan: 8 months

rowan turned 8 months but i've been so tired i almost forgot to blog it! today we found out he has another double ear infection (his third round in less than three months) so that explains some of his cranky behavior and inability to sleep soundly in the last week or so.

rowan continues to be a "spirited" baby. he seems worse than before but perhaps its just the months of sleep deprivation catching up with me. that's not to say that he is never happy. sometimes he is so excited and so happy that i know in there somewhere he's ok. he loves his brother so much and when he's delighted he lets us know. but more often than not, he is whimpering, whining, or full out screaming. i suppose it feels more frequent than it is because i have plenty of pictures of him smiling and content, but i also rarely take pictures of him angry.

he's eating solids all of the time now and if someone else is eating, he wants in on it. he can use his hands to grasp puffs, yogurt melts, and cheerios, holds mum mums and teething biscuits, and attempts to use a sippy on his own. his favorite food is probably yogurt but he'll eat pretty much anything as long as he isn't already angry. i've still been making the majority of his foods and feeding him plenty of whatever we're having for dinner.

he still nurses around the clock about as many times at night as during the day (every 3 hours on average). my supply seems to be dropping just as it did with finley around this time, when my first post partum period returned and baby becomes easily distracted and frustrated by the need to produce a letdown. still, he seems satisfied. we've been feeding him the last of the tub of formula we bought so it doesn't go to waste and honestly it has eased some of the pressure i have over pumping when my supply is low and i don't have a great freezer stash anymore. at this point i am so worn down that i need to take help where i can, even if it's a bottle of formula every few days.

last night (2/12/14) rowan crawled for the first time. he wouldn't sleep so he was up playing and somehow taught himself to crawl while wearing a sleep sack. this from the baby that hated tummy time and wouldn't even do it a week or so ago, doesn't roll from tummy to back, and has no interest in standing or walking. when he finally did go to sleep, he woke himself up every half hour or so by popping up into crawl mode.  i even found him in his crib sitting up, so i guess he's figured out how to go from laying on his back (how i place him to sleep) to sitting upright in one single night as well.

i'm anxious to see if he might pop a few teeth, get past the new crawler stage, and recover from this set of ear infections to come out on the other side a new, happier baby. i keep thinking there must be something that is bugging him and i'm planning to chat more about it with his pedi at his 9 mo visit. we're doing all we can think of to ease his pain and calm him down and just looking for those moments in between when he's smiling his big, gummy baby smile and loving on us like he can't get enough cuddles and attention.

parenting is such a test.  you know it's real, true love when no matter what you still get up every time, you still go to them again and again after hours of screaming, and you hold them close and kiss their soft baby hairs and fight through the madness with as much love as you can muster (at 2, 3, and 4 am this can be tough). and you do it day after day with no real end in sight (though of course all of this will pass and he will not be a little baby and i will mourn the loss of babyhood all the same).