musings on four

finn is now officially four. it's not like things changed overnight, but four seems like a fun and challenging age in which he's learning about being a real part of the world around him. he is realizing that everyone doesn't revolve around him and this is a hard lesson to learn. some days he accepts no for an answer and other days he loses it. i'm often "in jail" because i "hurt his feelings" by saying no to something. when he was younger, no almost always caused a reaction but these days it's different. he feels something when he is told no and he doesn't just flop to the ground in tears (well, sometimes he still does). he processes emotions a bit better and verbalizes his feelings.

he is a sensitive boy. sometimes my heart gets a little pang of sadness when i see him with other kids. he doesn't often run around wildly with strangers or even groups of his friends. he doesn't push his way into the inner circle and i see that he feels left out even when no one has said he can't join in.  when he was a baby he didn't belly laugh very much. he didn't do a lot of cooing and interacting with the world. he watched and listened, always staring (we often joked that he was judging everyone/everything). its very similar now. he will sit and watch, like he's hoping to hop in but he's waiting for an invitation.

this sensitivity is sweet for us at home. he loves to cuddle. "whi bit snuggle?", ('little bit') he says. it's one of the few things he still mispronounces and while he knows how to correct it, i love it so we joke with each other requesting whi bit snuggle all of the time. (add 'lellow', 'kittnen' and 'buttnon' to my favorite leftover mispronunciations.)

but he is not always sweet and sensitive and subdued. he is wild and crazy and can usually be found perching on some piece of furniture, ready to launch into some crazy dismount. as a result he is often riddled with scratches and bruises. what kid isn't? but he has a special way of injuring himself so frequently and i'm sure his number of head injuries is higher than most. (we're at 4 serious ones in the last 6 months)

his most recent is one i'll share here because it's so insane i'm afraid i'll forget the details and when i need to retell the story some day in the future to him, i'll want to remember. he was in bed, asleep. husband and i had just tucked in at about 11:45pm when we heard an awful, super loud series of bumps. i was terrified someone had broken in it was so loud. but then nothing. no crying within a few seconds...so i was concerned someone was hurt and unable to cry and we launched ourselves into the hall toward finn's room. my husband opened the door and flipped on the overhead light and there was blood everywhere. finn was in shock, sputtering, and his head, ear, back and bed was full of bright red blood. i rushed to him and brought him into the dark - the light had terrified him even more and he thought he was in trouble. i begged him to tell me what happened while i searched his face and head for the bleeding.

once he calmed he told me he'd fallen out of bed and we figured out that he hit the back of his head on the square table doubling as a night stand. i don't handle blood well at all (it's been noted in several stories here on the blog), so i handed him off to husband while i called my mom for a ER/no ER debate and spent time hunched over/vomiting in the sink. hubsand found the wound, a small puncture right to the base of the head, and stopped the bleeding. after also calling husband's mom, it was decided that we skip the ER visit and just watch him. i put him through a 'recite things you know, walk this line, check your pupils' series of tests and he passed all of them. he got a snack and water and a movie with dad while i tried to regain proper blood pressure and get some sleep.

the next day it was like it never happened for him, but i won't ever forget the sight of opening the door to your supposedly sleeping child and finding him covered in blood.

ah, 4 year olds. life isn't dull!

my baby turns four.

tomorrow finley turns four. as with every milestone, birthday, life change, i wax on about time and childhood, wishing for yesterday (or year) but looking toward the future. but this time, four? i don't want to look forward. i find myself missing his two year old self with his chubby cheeks and endless ringlets. when people say they blinked and everything changed i used to think, how? i mean you're right there, in it, living it. but this blinking and time passes thing is real.

i look at finley now and he is a boy. he is independent and smart and funny. he is no longer this little person that needs me for everything. he doesn't have curls in his hair and he's missing baby chub on his elbows and he just doesn't resemble the little boy i once knew. while i am happy he is all of the things he is now, i just cannot believe we're here. one year until 5?

he begs to snuggle with me these days but it isn't the same. he is bony and big and he hardly has time to sit with me. and honestly, i hardly have time for it either. rowan takes up a lot of my energy and needs a lot from me yet. so i cradle my big boy, and i smell his hair and rub his cheeks with mine and cherish right now. i don't know why i miss him so much when he's right here. it just feels different and i didn't know it would.

 

his play is new. he can imagine on his own and he plays pretend, making up scenarios and using voices and doing all of the things i used to wish he would figure out so i could have a moment to breathe. it is so sweet to watch. i love that he's learning new things so easily, working with new toys and recognizing numbers and letters and really being a part of the world around him. he's just started what will be a love of all things lego (we saw the movie, we bought some sets, we waiting to step on them in the middle of the night!). there's something about those figures and bricks that seem so big to me (perhaps its the choking hazard?).

 

he is a good big brother. rowan is on the move now and it's changed their dynamic already. to share or not to share? i'm excited to watch their brotherhood unfold and to see how finn handles his role. already finn is thoughtful and talks of the future. "this summer i will teach rowan to play baseball!" and the list of things they will do together grows longer each day as he realizes all of the things rowan will learn, just as he did, but ro will have the advantage of a playmate and teacher.

 

these days do not come without their challenges. finn is having difficulty dealing with strong emotions. almost four is better than early three, but he still has fits of anger and presses issues more than he did when he was younger. some of the smallest things set him off and we're still figuring out how to parent and navigate tantrums at this age. he isn't a baby, he has more free will, and we can't predict what he'll react to even though he can tell us what's wrong. 

 

i hate to be overly sappy, knowing that he still has many years of childhood yet to come, but moving past the baby and toddler stage for my first born has been quite an adjustment. it still seems impossible that i could have met this boy four years ago. just four years ago and yet four whole years ago. of course, it's really only me that feels this way. finn is loving life. he enjoys being able to do things for himself, he loves preschool, he likes the freedom that comes with being older. he doesn't seem to miss being a baby or being babied much at all.

we are so lucky. i am so glad to know him and to watch him grow and change. i am sad to miss his babyhood because i know it's gone forever, but i am happy to have it documented on the blog and in my photos. i thought i would remember every little detail. everything was so new and special - how could i forget? but you do. it's so much to bottle up! i can't stop time, but i've learned a lot in these four years about how to treasure it.

his only childhood

i know i have mentioned here that 3 is a hard age. parenting is difficult. i feel like it's a constant battle and it hasn't gotten easier the closer he gets to 4.

he is a sweet boy and we've changed his life pretty drastically this year (new baby, new house, new neighborhood, school), so some outburts are to be expected. but the kid is down right naughty at times (um, most times..?) and i find it impossible to keep my cool. i'm a "no" mom. i wish i were a "yes" mom but i freak out over messes and spills and toys everywhere and loud noises. it's not like i expect a speak only when spoken to, hang out in your room childhood. but i do require that he sit at the table for his meals, knees under the table facing forward with minimal spilling and use of utensils. i expect him to clean up his toys every day and to only have 1 or 2 types of toys out at any one time. i don't like it when he uses the furniture as a jungle gym, i don't like slamming toys into walls, i don't like anything being thrown in the house. so, i find myself saying no a lot. lots of warnings, lots of time outs (not just for these things, of course. sometimes he hits or screams or worse.), lots of me saying "finley, did you hear me? are you listening?". enough freedom? i don't know.

for as much as i say no, i say yes to things others might not. i allow him to go outside alone in our fenced back yard. i don't make him hold my hand everywhere. he gets in and out of the car on his own, even on the street. in writing that out, maybe i just let him live dangerously when outside of the house?! but really, even inside he is free to be on his own. i have always showered while he is awake, wandering the house. he can play wherever he wants, he just can't DO whatever he wants.

my point? i'm trying to find ways to say yes or relax a bit more because this is his ONE childhood. have i said that here before? my husband said it once and it is still resonating with me today. i'm going to make a graphic print of it and hang it so i can be reminded. this is his one childhood. he doesn't get another and i do want to make it as good as it can be. that doesn't mean every outing, ice cream all day, stay up and play as you please. i wish it could! no, i do want to teach him to be a productive, respectful member of society. a well behaved young man. a good eater, a hard worker, a funny person. but i also want him to be 3. to be 4 and 5 and so on and to be free to be a child. i don't want to spend every day telling him what he cannot do. what he has to do before he can do any of the things he loves to do. finding that balance has been on my mind every day lately. how can i help him have fun? how can i play as much as he wants without going crazy myself. how can i dote on a baby and a preschooler? how can i make his only childhood a great one? work in progress, i guess.

finn in preschool

pardon me while i pass the heck out. preschool?! it's been almost a month and i am still reeling over the fact that my tiny little baby boy is off at school without me. i feel like if everyone knows how fast it all goes, why can't we seem to figure that whole thing out and SLOW it down? time, man.

anyway. finn started preschool this year and he loves it. he's the oldest in his class and only going 2 days a week for 2 hours, but it's legit play based school. i love that he bounds right in, says good morning to everyone, and hardly notices i'm still in the room or that i leave. ok, and a tiny bit heartbroken that after 3 years of being with me almost all day every single day, eh doesn't find it difficult to be without me. i credit the YMCA drop off for that, since he's been going since he was 1 and we worked through that phase.

he brings his "packpack" and he sits criss-cross applesauce. he washes his hands 500 times and puts his hands on his lap to wait before eating his snack once all of his classmates have been served. he brings home "beetiful" art and notes from his teachers. but he won't tell me about it, really. he gets frustrated because he can't remember or he doesn't want to share. "don't tell me bout that, mom!", he responds if i ask him what he did, if he sang songs, read books, etc.

even though it's all going too quick, i'm thankful he's enjoying it. i'm hoping he makes some new friends and learns the things he might not have while at home with just me. i secretly kinda hope he misses me sometimes, too ;) i mean, this face? i certainly miss it!

watch your mouth

i'd like to think that this type of thing happens to everyone. you're riding along in the car and your three year old asks you a question. in this case, "can we please go back to our old house and go to our old beach?". your husband responds, "no, we can't. a new couple lives there now so it's their house.". without missing a beat, three year old says, "what the f*@k?!" with proper attitude conveyed. 

and that did happen. just like that. husband and i looked at each other and i started to laugh (silently). finn continued repeat it and neither of us could respond. i didn't want to react at all, not with laughter (so he'd think it was funny) nor with anger (in case he'd do it again out of spite). eventually husband told finn that it just wasn't very nice to say (or hear) and that we shouldn't say it to others because it might hurt their feelings. i couldn't get it together and just kept giggling quietly. it's hilarious ot me when kids say things you don't expect. sometimes it's something witty and intelligent and other times it's just completely inappropriate.

i know this happened to my parents with me. as the story goes, they were watching a movie with a lot of swearing. i was milling about, maybe 2 or 3 years old, and went to my room to ride my rocking horse. a few minutes later they realized the movie was not for children when i was kicking my horse and repeating "you effing horse" in anger.

i know it won't be the last time he spouts something totally inappropriate and we'll have to navigate the whens and whys of what words to use (and why not). and now i know for sure that if i say something, little ears are listening. unless it's bedtime - somehow no one ever hears the call for bed...

the kindness of strangers

today was one of those days. honestly i was feeling pretty good this morning, rocking my mom skill set by cleaning the kitchen while finley played and rowan sat in the swing. we made banana bread and homemade melon lemonade (cooking, check!). finn played with playdoh (art, check!). we browsed the comics and the newspaper together (reading, check!). finn ate a great lunch and went right down for nap. of course rowan didn't nap much and as he does, struggled to rest really at all. 

when finn woke up early we had to head to the post office. i sold a camera and it needed to be out today and i figured since everyone was fairly happy, i could get in and out without much struggle. i was so very wrong. rowan screamed the second i put him in his car seat, which he always does. he hates the car seat but typically once we start to drive he settles. by the time we arrived at the post office he seemed content and i popped them both into the double stroller. as soon as the post office door shut behind me rowan flipped out. ear piercing screams that no pacifier was going to calm. i tried to rush through and get my package boxed and ready, but he just wouldn't stop. more people filtered in and more screaming ensued. 

i picked him up but even then, he wouldn't relax. i went through the line once to check postage and by that point i was sweating and just over it. as i was filling out insurance and signature forms i started to laugh uncontrollable, but it was tinged with overwhelmed emotions. rowan still screaming and kicking, i couldn't even write and poor finley was in the stroller asking to be finished. i started to tear up and a woman asked if she could hold rowan for me. her kind eyes were also tearing up and she asked if that would be ok, if i would mind. i didn't mind and i handed him over while i cried. i mumbled something about it being so hard and she told me she knew. she was sending a package to her grown daughter who had just moved away and even after all of those years, parenting is still hard. she told me holding rowan was helping her and as i struggled to remember even my own address (we just moved!), another woman chimed in to say she had twins and remembered how difficult it could be. it was a moment where woman i didn't knpw were supporting me, understanding that there are times that everything just overwhelms you, and telling me that it was ok.

i took rowan back and got in line behind at least 10 people, but the postal worker asked me to come to the front saying i had already waited in line. (i hate to rant on usps, but you don't often get preferential treatment there, so imagine my surprise)  when i cut through the line i said i knew everyone wanted me to get going, and then more people voiced that it was ok, he was just a baby. i could barely pay through the tears in my eyes. the pairing of the (previously) screaming baby and the kindness of strangers was too much. the postal worker told me finley deserved a treat for how wonderful he was to wait, telling me what a good boy he was. (hopefully a nod to my parenting?)

i thanked the woman that held rowan and struggled to leave the building without fully breaking down. hours later i'm still an emotional mess over it all. how can some things just be so hard? so many emotions, so little sleep. too many demands that just can't be met every day. i don't know why today was my breaking point, but it happened.

tomorrow will be better. and hopefully i'll get to pay the kindness of strangers forward.

songs of life - when you grow up

this month the songs for life group focused on the song "when you grow up". being that i have a three week old (and a three year old), i couldn't realistically get out and shoot sidewalk chalking or a game of kickball with my boys. so i decided to shoot in a comfortable location (for all of us) and let finley interact with his baby brother. of course i helped the lifestyle element of this along by including a few appropriate props, but putting such a little baby and a sort of wild kiddo together means i have to control some elements.

finn took time to show brother his trains and a car and he "read" a story. when rowan grows up, maybe he'll be like finn. (i can only hope to have another sweet cherubic boy!) when they both grow up to be bigger than me, i don't know what they'll be, but i'm hoping this bond that's already clear just a few weeks in becomes even stronger. i'm a lucky mama to watch them grow together.

 

 

 

 

peering over the book to be sure rowan is listening.
 

 

 

 
telling rowan how big he'll be when he grows up.
 

 
comparing hands - one tiny and one medium.
 

 
my boys the brothers.
 

 

 

be sure to continue along the blog circle to see the rest of the "when you grow up" interpretations. here's the next one.

songs of life - here comes the sun

i'm taking a break from all of the pregnancy talk to participate in a lifestyle photography blog circle entitled songs of life. for each post, we'll be showcasing lifestyle images inspired by a preselected song title. this month's song was "here comes the sun" by the beatles. after weeks of waiting through days of rain, finn and i finally found time on a bright midday to bask in the sunlight.

of course, following these photos i finally realized that the minor issues with focus i have been recently noticing were full blown issues and i sent my gear to canon. so, please excuse the soft/missed focus on many of these.

since the goal of this project is to shoot in a more lifestyle manner, i tried to avoid classic portraiture with posing and eye contact. finn is at a "wild man" age of constant movement. running, swinging arms, shaking his hair...he can't be still! i hope these images capture his spirited personality, freely running in a field of yellow dandelions and soaking up the warm (fully overhead, of course!) sun.

i'll let the images do the rest of the talking...you should be able to click on them to see them larger.

i'm linking up to my photography friend keshia at the greatful mom. click on that link to check out her interpretation of "here comes the sun" and be sure to click through to the rest of the participants in the circle, too!