musings on four

finn is now officially four. it's not like things changed overnight, but four seems like a fun and challenging age in which he's learning about being a real part of the world around him. he is realizing that everyone doesn't revolve around him and this is a hard lesson to learn. some days he accepts no for an answer and other days he loses it. i'm often "in jail" because i "hurt his feelings" by saying no to something. when he was younger, no almost always caused a reaction but these days it's different. he feels something when he is told no and he doesn't just flop to the ground in tears (well, sometimes he still does). he processes emotions a bit better and verbalizes his feelings.

he is a sensitive boy. sometimes my heart gets a little pang of sadness when i see him with other kids. he doesn't often run around wildly with strangers or even groups of his friends. he doesn't push his way into the inner circle and i see that he feels left out even when no one has said he can't join in.  when he was a baby he didn't belly laugh very much. he didn't do a lot of cooing and interacting with the world. he watched and listened, always staring (we often joked that he was judging everyone/everything). its very similar now. he will sit and watch, like he's hoping to hop in but he's waiting for an invitation.

this sensitivity is sweet for us at home. he loves to cuddle. "whi bit snuggle?", ('little bit') he says. it's one of the few things he still mispronounces and while he knows how to correct it, i love it so we joke with each other requesting whi bit snuggle all of the time. (add 'lellow', 'kittnen' and 'buttnon' to my favorite leftover mispronunciations.)

but he is not always sweet and sensitive and subdued. he is wild and crazy and can usually be found perching on some piece of furniture, ready to launch into some crazy dismount. as a result he is often riddled with scratches and bruises. what kid isn't? but he has a special way of injuring himself so frequently and i'm sure his number of head injuries is higher than most. (we're at 4 serious ones in the last 6 months)

his most recent is one i'll share here because it's so insane i'm afraid i'll forget the details and when i need to retell the story some day in the future to him, i'll want to remember. he was in bed, asleep. husband and i had just tucked in at about 11:45pm when we heard an awful, super loud series of bumps. i was terrified someone had broken in it was so loud. but then nothing. no crying within a few seconds...so i was concerned someone was hurt and unable to cry and we launched ourselves into the hall toward finn's room. my husband opened the door and flipped on the overhead light and there was blood everywhere. finn was in shock, sputtering, and his head, ear, back and bed was full of bright red blood. i rushed to him and brought him into the dark - the light had terrified him even more and he thought he was in trouble. i begged him to tell me what happened while i searched his face and head for the bleeding.

once he calmed he told me he'd fallen out of bed and we figured out that he hit the back of his head on the square table doubling as a night stand. i don't handle blood well at all (it's been noted in several stories here on the blog), so i handed him off to husband while i called my mom for a ER/no ER debate and spent time hunched over/vomiting in the sink. hubsand found the wound, a small puncture right to the base of the head, and stopped the bleeding. after also calling husband's mom, it was decided that we skip the ER visit and just watch him. i put him through a 'recite things you know, walk this line, check your pupils' series of tests and he passed all of them. he got a snack and water and a movie with dad while i tried to regain proper blood pressure and get some sleep.

the next day it was like it never happened for him, but i won't ever forget the sight of opening the door to your supposedly sleeping child and finding him covered in blood.

ah, 4 year olds. life isn't dull!

rowan and sleep

i mentioned in the 9 month post that i was at the very end of my rope when it came to sleep (lack of) for the past 9 months. so we took the plunge and went cold turkey on night feedings and a few other things, allowing rowan to cry and hopefully learn to self soothe a bit.

previously rowan has not cried anything "out" - when he has been left to cry, he never seems to tire and if he does, he wakes up soon after, again and again. i suppose we offered mixed messages in that most times i would go in and soothe him usually by nursing, but other times i'd try just to rock, or my husband would go in and sooth or feed him a bottle. but after 9 months of feeding on demand almost ALL night i couldn't go on. i know people have mixed feelings about CIO and it doesn't work for every baby, every age, or every parent. but i was becoming an angry, sleep deprived shell of a person, unable to be a happy and patient mother during the day and poor rowan was so, so tired all of the time.

he never nursed before naps, but i did swaddle and rock him to sleep, so day one of naps was 45 minutes of crying and no actual nap. i went in to console him with calm words and a few pats, but i left him there. i usually feed him right after nap but i had to wait because i knew he'd fall asleep while nursing and just assume that was the "new nap". he eventually did fall asleep while i was holding him and i put him in his crib. days 2 and 3 weren't much better. this morning was day 4 and it took him less than 2 minutes to fall asleep for the morning nap (usually we're in the car for this one) and he slept for an hour and a half. the afternoon one took longer to cry but he slept for about 20 minutes on his own. still a work in progress!

the first few nights were hard. i still rock and nurse him at bedtime as part of our whole routine and i am not willing to give that up. i think it can easily be learned that he has one cuddle time before bed and then he doesn't get to nurse again until morning. he goes down easily, either asleep or mostly asleep and between 8:30 and 12 is his typical longest stretch. the first few nights he woke and cried throughout the night at various feeding times. i went in a few times when he seemed very upset and consoled him without picking him up. it was hard but each night he cried a little less.

by the third night i hadn't heard a peep from him when i went to bed and i slept so soundly that i either missed his cries (unlikely) or he also slept soundly ALL night. he woke up happy and hungry and we didn't deal with the 5 am to 7 am 15 minute crying intervals that usually happen after the wakeful sleep patterns he's had. i felt like a whole new person. each night i'd slept a bit more, so by today i was like super mom. cleaning, cooking, working out, going outside - i felt sane! what's more, rowan was happier. perhaps cutting his first tooth helped (he's still got more ready to pop, though), but he seemed rested.

i'm crossing my fingers that he can continue to sleep better. longer stretches without fitful screaming will help our whole family. we've got a video monitor on the way since i'm not going in there as often - i feel like i want to see what's doing, just in case. he doesn't seem unhappy, he still trusts me, and we praise him for good sleep. so far this is working so we'll keep it up and hope that he just sleeps instead of crying it out.

baby rowan: 9 months

mr. baby is 9 months! he's as many months out as he was in (gave or take some weeks, i guess). he's 18lb8oz (10-25%) and 28 1/2" (55%), so shorter and heavier than finn at this age which makes him look a lot bigger in pictures. a lot changed for him this past month and it's happening so quickly! the biggest milestone has been crawling. i mentioned it in the last update and since he first started, he's turned into an expert! so quick to the cords, the tiny flecks of paper, rogue lego parts, and the dogs' food and water. but also quick to his toys, to his mama, to chase his brother.

he can now pull up on everything, so he entertains himself at his music table and busy box, jumps in his crib (now much lower), and attempts to scandalize me while i'm in pajama pants. he loves to get out of the house and experience busy places - he's so much happier when he's not inside our house! he's great at restaurants right now, loves going to the Y drop off center, and enjoys playtime with finn's friends.

he spends most of his time chewing on various objects, crying to be held, or eating. ro loves to eat! he's been branching out and pretty much eats everything but honey. i smash or blend up whatever we're having for dinner - spicy, flavorful foods, meats and sauces and soups - he eats it all. he still eats a lot of pureed veggies for lunch as well as plain and baby yogurt. i've been offering a lot of small bits of food like beans, cheese, bread, frozen fruits, bananas rolled in crumbs, and eggs. he still likes yogurt melts and freeze dried fruit bits, but he is pretty much over puffs and cheerios for the moment.

 

just this weekend (at 9 months and a week or so) he finally cut his first tooth. his poor gums have been swollen and red for weeks. he's been drooly, easily upset, fighting sleep, and pink cheeked, so we've been on tooth watch for what seems like months. the first was his lower right front tooth. the next looks to be the lower left and he's got the upper right front tooth just behind. i imagine by the end of the week all three will be showing. never again will i see him with no teeth! no more gummy baby smiles - which is great since he needs teeth, but sad for me because i just love toothless baby mouths.

we're currently working on sleep. as i've mentioned rowan is not a good sleeper. he struggles to settle himself (as in, he has never settled himself) and does not sleep for long periods - not naps, not at night. i have been increasingly frustrated over this as the lack of sleep affects my days, my mental clarity, my patience...just about everything that keeps me sane and healthy comes from getting sleep. so at our last pedi appointment 4 days ago, she saw how worn out i seem and suggested that i either continue down the path we are on, picking and choosing techniques to try and find something that works for all of us, or we could CIO. i'm going to jot down our experience in another post. it's not for everyone (we did it ever so briefly with finn, too), but neither is feeding a baby every hour an a half all night every night for 9 months, so... i can report that after 3 nights rowan slept straight through the night, 8:30 pm to 7 am without uttering a single cry. i'm hoping that the trend continues and that night wakings become infrequent. we'll all be so much happier!

my baby turns four.

tomorrow finley turns four. as with every milestone, birthday, life change, i wax on about time and childhood, wishing for yesterday (or year) but looking toward the future. but this time, four? i don't want to look forward. i find myself missing his two year old self with his chubby cheeks and endless ringlets. when people say they blinked and everything changed i used to think, how? i mean you're right there, in it, living it. but this blinking and time passes thing is real.

i look at finley now and he is a boy. he is independent and smart and funny. he is no longer this little person that needs me for everything. he doesn't have curls in his hair and he's missing baby chub on his elbows and he just doesn't resemble the little boy i once knew. while i am happy he is all of the things he is now, i just cannot believe we're here. one year until 5?

he begs to snuggle with me these days but it isn't the same. he is bony and big and he hardly has time to sit with me. and honestly, i hardly have time for it either. rowan takes up a lot of my energy and needs a lot from me yet. so i cradle my big boy, and i smell his hair and rub his cheeks with mine and cherish right now. i don't know why i miss him so much when he's right here. it just feels different and i didn't know it would.

 

his play is new. he can imagine on his own and he plays pretend, making up scenarios and using voices and doing all of the things i used to wish he would figure out so i could have a moment to breathe. it is so sweet to watch. i love that he's learning new things so easily, working with new toys and recognizing numbers and letters and really being a part of the world around him. he's just started what will be a love of all things lego (we saw the movie, we bought some sets, we waiting to step on them in the middle of the night!). there's something about those figures and bricks that seem so big to me (perhaps its the choking hazard?).

 

he is a good big brother. rowan is on the move now and it's changed their dynamic already. to share or not to share? i'm excited to watch their brotherhood unfold and to see how finn handles his role. already finn is thoughtful and talks of the future. "this summer i will teach rowan to play baseball!" and the list of things they will do together grows longer each day as he realizes all of the things rowan will learn, just as he did, but ro will have the advantage of a playmate and teacher.

 

these days do not come without their challenges. finn is having difficulty dealing with strong emotions. almost four is better than early three, but he still has fits of anger and presses issues more than he did when he was younger. some of the smallest things set him off and we're still figuring out how to parent and navigate tantrums at this age. he isn't a baby, he has more free will, and we can't predict what he'll react to even though he can tell us what's wrong. 

 

i hate to be overly sappy, knowing that he still has many years of childhood yet to come, but moving past the baby and toddler stage for my first born has been quite an adjustment. it still seems impossible that i could have met this boy four years ago. just four years ago and yet four whole years ago. of course, it's really only me that feels this way. finn is loving life. he enjoys being able to do things for himself, he loves preschool, he likes the freedom that comes with being older. he doesn't seem to miss being a baby or being babied much at all.

we are so lucky. i am so glad to know him and to watch him grow and change. i am sad to miss his babyhood because i know it's gone forever, but i am happy to have it documented on the blog and in my photos. i thought i would remember every little detail. everything was so new and special - how could i forget? but you do. it's so much to bottle up! i can't stop time, but i've learned a lot in these four years about how to treasure it.

baby rowan: 8 months

rowan turned 8 months but i've been so tired i almost forgot to blog it! today we found out he has another double ear infection (his third round in less than three months) so that explains some of his cranky behavior and inability to sleep soundly in the last week or so.

rowan continues to be a "spirited" baby. he seems worse than before but perhaps its just the months of sleep deprivation catching up with me. that's not to say that he is never happy. sometimes he is so excited and so happy that i know in there somewhere he's ok. he loves his brother so much and when he's delighted he lets us know. but more often than not, he is whimpering, whining, or full out screaming. i suppose it feels more frequent than it is because i have plenty of pictures of him smiling and content, but i also rarely take pictures of him angry.

he's eating solids all of the time now and if someone else is eating, he wants in on it. he can use his hands to grasp puffs, yogurt melts, and cheerios, holds mum mums and teething biscuits, and attempts to use a sippy on his own. his favorite food is probably yogurt but he'll eat pretty much anything as long as he isn't already angry. i've still been making the majority of his foods and feeding him plenty of whatever we're having for dinner.

he still nurses around the clock about as many times at night as during the day (every 3 hours on average). my supply seems to be dropping just as it did with finley around this time, when my first post partum period returned and baby becomes easily distracted and frustrated by the need to produce a letdown. still, he seems satisfied. we've been feeding him the last of the tub of formula we bought so it doesn't go to waste and honestly it has eased some of the pressure i have over pumping when my supply is low and i don't have a great freezer stash anymore. at this point i am so worn down that i need to take help where i can, even if it's a bottle of formula every few days.

last night (2/12/14) rowan crawled for the first time. he wouldn't sleep so he was up playing and somehow taught himself to crawl while wearing a sleep sack. this from the baby that hated tummy time and wouldn't even do it a week or so ago, doesn't roll from tummy to back, and has no interest in standing or walking. when he finally did go to sleep, he woke himself up every half hour or so by popping up into crawl mode.  i even found him in his crib sitting up, so i guess he's figured out how to go from laying on his back (how i place him to sleep) to sitting upright in one single night as well.

i'm anxious to see if he might pop a few teeth, get past the new crawler stage, and recover from this set of ear infections to come out on the other side a new, happier baby. i keep thinking there must be something that is bugging him and i'm planning to chat more about it with his pedi at his 9 mo visit. we're doing all we can think of to ease his pain and calm him down and just looking for those moments in between when he's smiling his big, gummy baby smile and loving on us like he can't get enough cuddles and attention.

parenting is such a test.  you know it's real, true love when no matter what you still get up every time, you still go to them again and again after hours of screaming, and you hold them close and kiss their soft baby hairs and fight through the madness with as much love as you can muster (at 2, 3, and 4 am this can be tough). and you do it day after day with no real end in sight (though of course all of this will pass and he will not be a little baby and i will mourn the loss of babyhood all the same).

baby rowan: 7 months

well, he's more than half a year old. closer to one than to fresh newborn. as always, impossible! yet, here we are. sleep deprived to no end and still smitten with this chubby cheeked little guy.

rowan continues to be the complete opposite of finley (compare). he is a giggler, happy and smiley when all is right in his world. he's rounder, he's got straight blonde hair, and he can't sleep for anything. so i'll start with that. he doesn't sleep well, especially at night. he has gotten better at naps and sleeps in his crib during the day for those (or in the car since he tags along with finley's schedule). he naps three times a day and one of those is usually about two hours. at night, he falls asleep after a bedtime routine and nursing and starts in his crib. he wakes all night every night with a shrill, awful cry/scream, desperate for someone to hold him. he nurses 3-4 times between midnight and the morning unless i am so tired that i bring him into bed...then he nurses almost all night.

he hasn't slept longer than a 2-hour stretch for at least a month now. we've tried lots of "sleep solutions". all of the no cry ones i can find, cry it out for various lengths of time, nursing on demand, teething tablets, tylenol, lavender on the feet, hot room/cold room, white noise/music/silence, and even formula. i ebf and rarely even pump, but with our recent illnesses i thought maybe he was just so hungry and my supply wasn't enough so we gave him a few bottles a couple of times. he took them like a champ but it provided no relief in the sleep department. night terrors have been suggested but he isn't confused/unable to wake up and he is easily soothed if he gets what he wants. he is crying out to be held all night and even when held, he shrieks to nurse throughout the night. it's impossible! i haven't had a "good" night of sleep in 10 months. i don't think i've even slept for more than 4 hours at a single time for at least 9 months. i feel like i am going crazy with emotions over why he won't sleep and what it's doing to all of us. someday it HAS to click, right? at some point he WILL sleep. that's all i can hope right now.

otherwise, he's a pretty good baby. he is loving solid foods and wants to eat all of the time, especially when he sees anyone eating. he sits up and scoots around a little, leans forward and back to sitting. one of his favorite games is to throw his body into our comforter and then sit back up over and over. he can roll from back to belly but not the other way around (well, not that he does reliably, anyway). once on his belly he gets up on his hands, but no scooting, army crawl, dragging, etc and when he finds himself in this position he just cries. he can't pull himself up on furniture or toys, so no cruising or crib standing unless i place him there. he's mostly a sedentary child :)

he loves his big brother. he takes great delight when finn plays with him and even a glance in his direction gives rowan the biggest smile. just today they played together and rowan was the happiest i have ever seen him - his big blue eyes totally, happily fixated on the antics of his big brother. i hope their bond grows to be something great. i know it will be something i know nothing about, not really. it's when i think about their brotherhood that i realize (among countless other things) they are their own selves. they will have secrets and memories and stories and shared glances that come from times of which i am not privvy. i know this relationship as a sibling/sister, but i won't know THEIR relationship like they do. and it's already starting right here before my eyes.

even despite the lack of sleep, i am desperate to freeze time. i love this age. i love babies sitting up, giggling, happy to play hand clapping games. rowan just started reaching for me when i come to him and it melts my heart. he's beginning to understand kisses and will lean in, open mouthed, for a peck. he's still a baby, swaddled for naps, cuddly and sweet smelling but he's got a big personality and i just want to soak it up for more time.

baby rowan: 6 months

i don't know how i got here. how he got here. 6 months?! my SECOND child is six months old, halfway to a year? i'm so glad and so fortunate to watch him grow but man, slow.your.roll.

rowan at 6 months is like a whole new world. for one, he sits up. since being upright and facing forward to see everything is his favorite, this allows him to see what's going on and he is much happier. when he is happy, he is such a little ball of sunshine. he is starting to play by himself, holding toys and babbling and he really enjoys the jumperoo. everything he touches goes into his mouth and his chewing and drooling leads me to believe he might be teething, but no real signs of anything coming through yet.

we started solid foods and he seems to be getting the hang of it pretty quick. his first food was sweet potato and he's since had apple/pear/cinnamon sauce, avocado, peas, and banana. the only thing he pretty much refused was banana (?). i made all of finn's food and i'll do the same for rowan because i enjoy it. last time i was very strict about introducing foods one at a time but i've already mixed foods and overlapped new foods on a single day. on his third day of trying food he ate the sweet potato dish from thanksgiving (a puree with orange, sweet potato, spices and probably butter) like he'd been downing adult food his whole life.

sleep has been good and bad. naps have greatly improved and he now sleeps 1-2 hours at a time at least once a day and it starting to get a schedule of day time sleep. unfortunately, his night time is consistent...in that he wakes up every night at least 4 times. he goes to bed at about 8:45 and sleeps for about 3 hours. that's his long stretch. he's up every 1.5-2 hours until morning and he nurses every time. i guess the best thing about that is that he goes back to sleep each time and stays asleep. still, finley slept ALL night and i am not used to being this tired. (so. tired.) he's crying a lot less now, though, and i think better naps has helped his overall mood.

at his 6 month well baby we found out he has a double ear infection. i'm not surprised since i've been very sick for over three weeks and passed the cold portion of it over to him. i went in to make sure he was fine, got the all clear/viral, and 2 weeks later - ear infections! he was pretty miserable for a few days with sad, tired eyes and i felt so bad! we also got his stats. 17lb 2oz, 27" which is the same height as finn at this age but two pounds heavier! and as you can see they look almost nothing alike so while brothers, i imagine they will be very different boys.

baby rowan: 5 months

little tiny mr. baby is now 5 months (and some change). cue the dramatics because we're just a few weeks away from 6 months. half a year. how?? little baby is growing and changing and it really is so fun to watch all over again. i don't have any stats since we didn't visit the pedi this month, but he certainly looks older than last month to me. he's wearing 3-6, 6, and 9 month clothing comfortably but since we're trying to use finn's old stuff, he's been wearing lots of too big 6-12 month sleepers since finn wasn't that big until winter and closer to 9/10 months.

activity wise, ro is not a big mover. he does not roll either way and rarely participates in tummy time for any amount of time. he can hold his toes, kick and swat at toys and he easily spots, reaches for and often grabs objects he desires. he is just starting to sit up unassisted but can't be unattended as he easily topples. mostly, he is content being held and does enjoy bouncing in his jumperoo and occasionally playing on his play mat. he's pretty much over the swing and bouncer and so far hates the bumbo. 

he's super cute and it's a good thing because he could not be worse at sleeping. while he has gotten slightly better at napping some days (sometimes he will sleep 1-2 hours consecutively and i am SO thankful), he is unable to sleep for very long at night. he has a bed time routine and is usually nursing before sleep around 8:45pm. this is his long stretch of sleep...until midnight. then he is up every 1.5-2 hours all night. i feed him between 4 and 5 times a night every night because not much else calms him or puts him back to sleep. we have tried soothing, patting, rocking, pacifiers. he gets mad if my husband offers him a bottle (though he will eventually take one). occasionally we are all so tired we let him cry. and he just...cries. so, we are tired. his night time sleep is actually worse now than it was 2 months ago.

as for the breastfeeding, he's still doing well at that. unlike finn, rowan is a comfort nurser. if he had his way, he would nurse every hour. i know that works for some people but it doesn't work for me. this leads him to be sort of fussy quite frequently because i deny him what he wants. we're starting solids at 6 months just as we did with finn and i am hoping that other forms of food might interest him enough to let go of the strong desire to nurse. he is really into meal times and reaches for food so i think he'll be excited to try some purees.

and then there's this one, who looks about thirteen here. i know when he's actually thirteen i will look at photos from this age and think he looks so little, like a baby still, but he just seems SO grown up to me.

his only childhood

i know i have mentioned here that 3 is a hard age. parenting is difficult. i feel like it's a constant battle and it hasn't gotten easier the closer he gets to 4.

he is a sweet boy and we've changed his life pretty drastically this year (new baby, new house, new neighborhood, school), so some outburts are to be expected. but the kid is down right naughty at times (um, most times..?) and i find it impossible to keep my cool. i'm a "no" mom. i wish i were a "yes" mom but i freak out over messes and spills and toys everywhere and loud noises. it's not like i expect a speak only when spoken to, hang out in your room childhood. but i do require that he sit at the table for his meals, knees under the table facing forward with minimal spilling and use of utensils. i expect him to clean up his toys every day and to only have 1 or 2 types of toys out at any one time. i don't like it when he uses the furniture as a jungle gym, i don't like slamming toys into walls, i don't like anything being thrown in the house. so, i find myself saying no a lot. lots of warnings, lots of time outs (not just for these things, of course. sometimes he hits or screams or worse.), lots of me saying "finley, did you hear me? are you listening?". enough freedom? i don't know.

for as much as i say no, i say yes to things others might not. i allow him to go outside alone in our fenced back yard. i don't make him hold my hand everywhere. he gets in and out of the car on his own, even on the street. in writing that out, maybe i just let him live dangerously when outside of the house?! but really, even inside he is free to be on his own. i have always showered while he is awake, wandering the house. he can play wherever he wants, he just can't DO whatever he wants.

my point? i'm trying to find ways to say yes or relax a bit more because this is his ONE childhood. have i said that here before? my husband said it once and it is still resonating with me today. i'm going to make a graphic print of it and hang it so i can be reminded. this is his one childhood. he doesn't get another and i do want to make it as good as it can be. that doesn't mean every outing, ice cream all day, stay up and play as you please. i wish it could! no, i do want to teach him to be a productive, respectful member of society. a well behaved young man. a good eater, a hard worker, a funny person. but i also want him to be 3. to be 4 and 5 and so on and to be free to be a child. i don't want to spend every day telling him what he cannot do. what he has to do before he can do any of the things he loves to do. finding that balance has been on my mind every day lately. how can i help him have fun? how can i play as much as he wants without going crazy myself. how can i dote on a baby and a preschooler? how can i make his only childhood a great one? work in progress, i guess.

finn in preschool

pardon me while i pass the heck out. preschool?! it's been almost a month and i am still reeling over the fact that my tiny little baby boy is off at school without me. i feel like if everyone knows how fast it all goes, why can't we seem to figure that whole thing out and SLOW it down? time, man.

anyway. finn started preschool this year and he loves it. he's the oldest in his class and only going 2 days a week for 2 hours, but it's legit play based school. i love that he bounds right in, says good morning to everyone, and hardly notices i'm still in the room or that i leave. ok, and a tiny bit heartbroken that after 3 years of being with me almost all day every single day, eh doesn't find it difficult to be without me. i credit the YMCA drop off for that, since he's been going since he was 1 and we worked through that phase.

he brings his "packpack" and he sits criss-cross applesauce. he washes his hands 500 times and puts his hands on his lap to wait before eating his snack once all of his classmates have been served. he brings home "beetiful" art and notes from his teachers. but he won't tell me about it, really. he gets frustrated because he can't remember or he doesn't want to share. "don't tell me bout that, mom!", he responds if i ask him what he did, if he sang songs, read books, etc.

even though it's all going too quick, i'm thankful he's enjoying it. i'm hoping he makes some new friends and learns the things he might not have while at home with just me. i secretly kinda hope he misses me sometimes, too ;) i mean, this face? i certainly miss it!

baby rowan: 4 months

this baby is 4 months! i don't have his measurements because he hasn't had his appointment yet, but he is bigger! so much chubbier than finn seemed, rounder with shorter legs.

if i could some up this past month in a word or two: please, sleep. i know parents battle with this ALL of the time. i know finn had his moments but we were so spoiled and we didn't know it. rowan does not sleep great. he cannot transition through sleep cycles and he is constantly waking up screaming. honestly, it is so annoying. he is tired and he needs more sleep, but i can't seem to figure out how to help him. we are still swaddling, still using a pacifier, using the swing, trying the crib, quiet, loud, noise machine, and so on... every few days he sleeps like a champ. hours upon hours of straight sleep. most days he cat naps and screams. not all day, but every time he wakes up. if i pick him up/nurse him he will go back to sleep, but he wants that each time, so, every 20 minutes? it's impossible.

he treated us to a few really long night sleeps (8:45pm to 4am one night) but he's now back to going down at about 9:30 pm (we start at 8:30 but it takes that long for him to settle, eat, resettle and fall asleep). he wakes between 1 and 2 am for a feed but goes right back to sleep. he wakes again between 4 and 5 and then again at about 7:30. again, i won't lie. getting up every two hours for a 4 month old is tough. since i know he can sleep for longer (since he has!) it is frustrating, but if i don't nurse him, he screams and wakes everyone up. i don't know what to do so i do the easiest thing. i moved him out of the bed and into his crib pretty easily and mostly i did it because he would prefer to comfort feed all night. i know that works for many people, but it doesn't work for me (and it certainly doesn't work for my husband who can't sleep through it if he makes noise and can't sleep around him if he doesn't..ie, pillows on his face).

to say that the lack of longer/scream-free naps while at home is difficult would be an understatement. and while i'm complaining and before i gush, i'll note that he haaates the car seat. screams as i lower him in, screams as he's buckled, screams through the car ride if we aren't moving (sometimes when we are). if/when he falls asleep it's not so bad, but as soon as we stop he's awake and screaming. there is no easing into it. he's up and he's practically vomiting through his sobs.

but. BUT. he laughs. he loves having his head and neck caressed and finds putting on clothing so hilarious. he is so interactive and expressive now. he found his hands a few days ago and can now grab and hold onto toys. everything goes into his mouth. his fingers, our fingers, all toys, all fabrics. he is a big thumb/finger/hand sucker and drools like crazy. he can spot us from across the room and tips his chin down while smiling coyly. he has been slightly better about playing/being independently and will permit us to set him down on his playmat, in his swing, or in his jumperoo for a few minutes at a time.

also adorable? he's finding his own feet. he can't grab at them yet, but he lifts them up and down and uses them to kick things on purpose (aimed at hanging toys, mostly). and he loves to look at them.

i hope he's the foot grabbing type. i love that!

baby rowan: 3 months

oooh.k. i am behind. here is a picture of rowan at 3 months. he was cute then, cuter now even! i'm working on my four month post, too, since this one is a MONTH behind.

baby rowan in month 3 was tough. he is still working out his sleep schedule, still figuring out how often he might want to eat, still demanding that someone hold him 97% of his day. but, he smiled a ton and learned to giggle so that pretty much makes being tired seem trivial. i'm just going to skip right over this month, really, and post in the 4 month one. oopsies!

watch your mouth

i'd like to think that this type of thing happens to everyone. you're riding along in the car and your three year old asks you a question. in this case, "can we please go back to our old house and go to our old beach?". your husband responds, "no, we can't. a new couple lives there now so it's their house.". without missing a beat, three year old says, "what the f*@k?!" with proper attitude conveyed. 

and that did happen. just like that. husband and i looked at each other and i started to laugh (silently). finn continued repeat it and neither of us could respond. i didn't want to react at all, not with laughter (so he'd think it was funny) nor with anger (in case he'd do it again out of spite). eventually husband told finn that it just wasn't very nice to say (or hear) and that we shouldn't say it to others because it might hurt their feelings. i couldn't get it together and just kept giggling quietly. it's hilarious ot me when kids say things you don't expect. sometimes it's something witty and intelligent and other times it's just completely inappropriate.

i know this happened to my parents with me. as the story goes, they were watching a movie with a lot of swearing. i was milling about, maybe 2 or 3 years old, and went to my room to ride my rocking horse. a few minutes later they realized the movie was not for children when i was kicking my horse and repeating "you effing horse" in anger.

i know it won't be the last time he spouts something totally inappropriate and we'll have to navigate the whens and whys of what words to use (and why not). and now i know for sure that if i say something, little ears are listening. unless it's bedtime - somehow no one ever hears the call for bed...

the kindness of strangers

today was one of those days. honestly i was feeling pretty good this morning, rocking my mom skill set by cleaning the kitchen while finley played and rowan sat in the swing. we made banana bread and homemade melon lemonade (cooking, check!). finn played with playdoh (art, check!). we browsed the comics and the newspaper together (reading, check!). finn ate a great lunch and went right down for nap. of course rowan didn't nap much and as he does, struggled to rest really at all. 

when finn woke up early we had to head to the post office. i sold a camera and it needed to be out today and i figured since everyone was fairly happy, i could get in and out without much struggle. i was so very wrong. rowan screamed the second i put him in his car seat, which he always does. he hates the car seat but typically once we start to drive he settles. by the time we arrived at the post office he seemed content and i popped them both into the double stroller. as soon as the post office door shut behind me rowan flipped out. ear piercing screams that no pacifier was going to calm. i tried to rush through and get my package boxed and ready, but he just wouldn't stop. more people filtered in and more screaming ensued. 

i picked him up but even then, he wouldn't relax. i went through the line once to check postage and by that point i was sweating and just over it. as i was filling out insurance and signature forms i started to laugh uncontrollable, but it was tinged with overwhelmed emotions. rowan still screaming and kicking, i couldn't even write and poor finley was in the stroller asking to be finished. i started to tear up and a woman asked if she could hold rowan for me. her kind eyes were also tearing up and she asked if that would be ok, if i would mind. i didn't mind and i handed him over while i cried. i mumbled something about it being so hard and she told me she knew. she was sending a package to her grown daughter who had just moved away and even after all of those years, parenting is still hard. she told me holding rowan was helping her and as i struggled to remember even my own address (we just moved!), another woman chimed in to say she had twins and remembered how difficult it could be. it was a moment where woman i didn't knpw were supporting me, understanding that there are times that everything just overwhelms you, and telling me that it was ok.

i took rowan back and got in line behind at least 10 people, but the postal worker asked me to come to the front saying i had already waited in line. (i hate to rant on usps, but you don't often get preferential treatment there, so imagine my surprise)  when i cut through the line i said i knew everyone wanted me to get going, and then more people voiced that it was ok, he was just a baby. i could barely pay through the tears in my eyes. the pairing of the (previously) screaming baby and the kindness of strangers was too much. the postal worker told me finley deserved a treat for how wonderful he was to wait, telling me what a good boy he was. (hopefully a nod to my parenting?)

i thanked the woman that held rowan and struggled to leave the building without fully breaking down. hours later i'm still an emotional mess over it all. how can some things just be so hard? so many emotions, so little sleep. too many demands that just can't be met every day. i don't know why today was my breaking point, but it happened.

tomorrow will be better. and hopefully i'll get to pay the kindness of strangers forward.

baby rowan: 2 months

i figured i should post a 2 month update before mr. baby turns 3 months (already?! please no!). and don't you love his tough guy picture? he gets that little blond fuzz after every bath and is so great at sitting up. he prefers to be upright at all times and has just started leaning into a sit without falling when we put him on the couch or chairs. he does not prefer to lay down much, unless you are in his face making him smile. which he does now all the time! he becomes more expressive every day and loves to smile at mommy, daddy, and brother as well as his farm toys on the playmat.

at 10 weeks (our 2 month check up slightly late), rowan was 23 3/4in and 12lb 2 oz. i compared that to finley at 10 weeks and was amazed to see that he was almost exactly the same height and weight. rowan looks so much chunkier, but i think it's because his limbs are shorter and he has a rounder face (the cheeks?!). he's got these huge, adorable blue eyes and the pinkest skin. most of his baby acne is gone and he hasn't lost all of his hair (yet?).

he's still on the zantac for silent reflux and he seems to be doing better. he doesn't struggle to eat and rarely has back arching fits during or after nursing. he takes a bottle about once a week and i think he realizes it now, because he doesn't really prefer the bottle and fusses while eating. he still nurses every 2-3 hours, even at night and rarely stays asleep for more than 3 hours. in the last few days he has started to spit up more, but it seems painless and he doesn't really notice.

i'm planning to start cloth diapering as soon as we run out of the size 1 diapers we've got now. he's actually wearing his first cloth right now and i'm excited to get back into more eco friendly diapering (making use of finley's old diapers and saving some cash). not so much looking forward to what his poop-splosions will be like in those. rowan seems to store up 3-4 days worth of breastmilk and releases it in successive diapers over the course of about 2 hours. before this happens he is very fussy and he struggles to sleep or eat without crying and fidgeting. after it happens he typically needs a bath...

i'm struggling to manage my sleep schedule as he wakes up so frequently to eat and is very noisy between 4 am and 7 am, keeping me from getting much sleep. i'm pretty much struggling with getting most things done because rowan does not enjoy being put down that much, finley likes for someone to play with him, and i like to nap when i get the slightest chance (i'm not doing it now and i should be!). such is life with two!

baby rowan: 1 month

true to second kid form, i'm posting rowan's one month picture and stats just after he turned 8 weeks. oops! but he is one month in this photo!

at one month he was pretty much still a sleeping/eating machine. from his 1 week check up where he had regained to his birth weight of about 7 lbs, he weighed in at a whopping 9lb 11oz just three weeks later. he is my chubby baby, completely different than finley. and in just about any way you can compare babies, my boys could not be more different. they don't look alike and their tiny personalities have thus far been opposite. rowan is not a content baby, worse than i remember finley being. he did not like to be swaddled (i've forced it recently), doesn't sleep much, never stops moving, and makes so much noise. not little baby noise, but huge discontented grunts and groans. he always seems annoyed and possibly uncomfortable unless he is in a period of (limited) deep sleep or while he is eating (sometimes).

he was a great eater at first but quickly developed some sort of fussy arching and resisting to nurse despite rooting and searching for more food. after speaking with the pedi, we decided he was probably dealing with some reflux (perhaps silent as he really didn't spit up but was choking on and re-swallowing after every feed). he's been on a baby dose of zantac and it has helped with the choking/gurgling and some of the back arching. i'm planning to see a lactation consultant because he has become lazy (or resistant?) to maintaining a strong latch and will come on and off dozens of times during a single, one sided nursing session. it is messy and frustrating for both of us because he clearly isn't finished eating.

i love this boy dearly but he can be quite the handful, especially because obviously he's not the only child. he is most content when pressed against another body (preferably mine), sweating and sleeping. he wakes up upon being laid down and remains quite fussy throughout the day. not very much seems to make him happy and if you lay him down while he is awake, even for a second (say, to get dressed, make lunch, you know, stuff i need to do) he screams uncontrollably like you've left him somewhere without food for hours. parenting a preschooler (who has adjusted really, really wonderfully but is still 3) and trying to hold a crabby baby all day and then being up many times at night to nurse? it's a test of my parenting skills and my patience on a daily basis.

but i am acutely aware of the passing time and how fast things fly by so i am trying to accept the challenges as limited to this period in life and so fleeting. i know i spend more time just looking at rowan, trying to soak it all in before everything changes. sometimes i look at finley and he seems like a stranger. isn't he supposed to be this tiny, swaddled bundle, my baby? but he isn't my little baby anymore. i know him, i see him every day and yet...i don't know. i just try to figure out how it happened that he has imaginary friends, real friends in a new neighborhood, is fully potty trained all day, has long conversations that make sense....

so yeah. even at just 1 month in i found myself fretting over the days lost. no, they weren't really lost. i was there. but they were gone so quickly and even though they were hard, i already miss them.

1 week post partum

i wanted to document a few postpartum belly pictures, just like last time, because i know people want to know what it looks like after there's no baby in the belly. for decent reference, here's my last formal belly shot (at 34 weeks, because i hadn't taken a "real" 37 week set before delivering). imagine a few more inches/pounds there towards the end.

i gained 44 lbs this pregnancy. last time i gained 50 but went 9 days earlier, so i did a bit better this time around. i worked out right up until delivery but i have done nothing but breastfeed following the birth of rowan. i used a belly band as soon as i got home from the hospital and wore it all day (not at night). i still try and wear it because the pudge is hard to suck in. here's one week post partum: 

to be honest, i don't mind my side profile right now. but then, i have always looked a bit better from the side than from the front. i have a fairly narrow profile and things tend to look smaller than they really are. i gained a lot of weight in my thighs and hips and my belly is soft and squishy...the front view is not one i'll be posting ;)

at four days postpartum i had only lost 5 lbs (so, less than my baby weighed?). by three weeks postpartum i had lost 20 lbs. i won't start working out until 6 weeks, but i do hope to lose the remaining 24lbs a lot faster than it took me to get back into shape last time.