finn in preschool

pardon me while i pass the heck out. preschool?! it's been almost a month and i am still reeling over the fact that my tiny little baby boy is off at school without me. i feel like if everyone knows how fast it all goes, why can't we seem to figure that whole thing out and SLOW it down? time, man.

anyway. finn started preschool this year and he loves it. he's the oldest in his class and only going 2 days a week for 2 hours, but it's legit play based school. i love that he bounds right in, says good morning to everyone, and hardly notices i'm still in the room or that i leave. ok, and a tiny bit heartbroken that after 3 years of being with me almost all day every single day, eh doesn't find it difficult to be without me. i credit the YMCA drop off for that, since he's been going since he was 1 and we worked through that phase.

he brings his "packpack" and he sits criss-cross applesauce. he washes his hands 500 times and puts his hands on his lap to wait before eating his snack once all of his classmates have been served. he brings home "beetiful" art and notes from his teachers. but he won't tell me about it, really. he gets frustrated because he can't remember or he doesn't want to share. "don't tell me bout that, mom!", he responds if i ask him what he did, if he sang songs, read books, etc.

even though it's all going too quick, i'm thankful he's enjoying it. i'm hoping he makes some new friends and learns the things he might not have while at home with just me. i secretly kinda hope he misses me sometimes, too ;) i mean, this face? i certainly miss it!

baby rowan: 4 months

this baby is 4 months! i don't have his measurements because he hasn't had his appointment yet, but he is bigger! so much chubbier than finn seemed, rounder with shorter legs.

if i could some up this past month in a word or two: please, sleep. i know parents battle with this ALL of the time. i know finn had his moments but we were so spoiled and we didn't know it. rowan does not sleep great. he cannot transition through sleep cycles and he is constantly waking up screaming. honestly, it is so annoying. he is tired and he needs more sleep, but i can't seem to figure out how to help him. we are still swaddling, still using a pacifier, using the swing, trying the crib, quiet, loud, noise machine, and so on... every few days he sleeps like a champ. hours upon hours of straight sleep. most days he cat naps and screams. not all day, but every time he wakes up. if i pick him up/nurse him he will go back to sleep, but he wants that each time, so, every 20 minutes? it's impossible.

he treated us to a few really long night sleeps (8:45pm to 4am one night) but he's now back to going down at about 9:30 pm (we start at 8:30 but it takes that long for him to settle, eat, resettle and fall asleep). he wakes between 1 and 2 am for a feed but goes right back to sleep. he wakes again between 4 and 5 and then again at about 7:30. again, i won't lie. getting up every two hours for a 4 month old is tough. since i know he can sleep for longer (since he has!) it is frustrating, but if i don't nurse him, he screams and wakes everyone up. i don't know what to do so i do the easiest thing. i moved him out of the bed and into his crib pretty easily and mostly i did it because he would prefer to comfort feed all night. i know that works for many people, but it doesn't work for me (and it certainly doesn't work for my husband who can't sleep through it if he makes noise and can't sleep around him if he doesn't..ie, pillows on his face).

to say that the lack of longer/scream-free naps while at home is difficult would be an understatement. and while i'm complaining and before i gush, i'll note that he haaates the car seat. screams as i lower him in, screams as he's buckled, screams through the car ride if we aren't moving (sometimes when we are). if/when he falls asleep it's not so bad, but as soon as we stop he's awake and screaming. there is no easing into it. he's up and he's practically vomiting through his sobs.

but. BUT. he laughs. he loves having his head and neck caressed and finds putting on clothing so hilarious. he is so interactive and expressive now. he found his hands a few days ago and can now grab and hold onto toys. everything goes into his mouth. his fingers, our fingers, all toys, all fabrics. he is a big thumb/finger/hand sucker and drools like crazy. he can spot us from across the room and tips his chin down while smiling coyly. he has been slightly better about playing/being independently and will permit us to set him down on his playmat, in his swing, or in his jumperoo for a few minutes at a time.

also adorable? he's finding his own feet. he can't grab at them yet, but he lifts them up and down and uses them to kick things on purpose (aimed at hanging toys, mostly). and he loves to look at them.

i hope he's the foot grabbing type. i love that!

baby rowan: 3 months

oooh.k. i am behind. here is a picture of rowan at 3 months. he was cute then, cuter now even! i'm working on my four month post, too, since this one is a MONTH behind.

baby rowan in month 3 was tough. he is still working out his sleep schedule, still figuring out how often he might want to eat, still demanding that someone hold him 97% of his day. but, he smiled a ton and learned to giggle so that pretty much makes being tired seem trivial. i'm just going to skip right over this month, really, and post in the 4 month one. oopsies!

watch your mouth

i'd like to think that this type of thing happens to everyone. you're riding along in the car and your three year old asks you a question. in this case, "can we please go back to our old house and go to our old beach?". your husband responds, "no, we can't. a new couple lives there now so it's their house.". without missing a beat, three year old says, "what the f*@k?!" with proper attitude conveyed. 

and that did happen. just like that. husband and i looked at each other and i started to laugh (silently). finn continued repeat it and neither of us could respond. i didn't want to react at all, not with laughter (so he'd think it was funny) nor with anger (in case he'd do it again out of spite). eventually husband told finn that it just wasn't very nice to say (or hear) and that we shouldn't say it to others because it might hurt their feelings. i couldn't get it together and just kept giggling quietly. it's hilarious ot me when kids say things you don't expect. sometimes it's something witty and intelligent and other times it's just completely inappropriate.

i know this happened to my parents with me. as the story goes, they were watching a movie with a lot of swearing. i was milling about, maybe 2 or 3 years old, and went to my room to ride my rocking horse. a few minutes later they realized the movie was not for children when i was kicking my horse and repeating "you effing horse" in anger.

i know it won't be the last time he spouts something totally inappropriate and we'll have to navigate the whens and whys of what words to use (and why not). and now i know for sure that if i say something, little ears are listening. unless it's bedtime - somehow no one ever hears the call for bed...

the kindness of strangers

today was one of those days. honestly i was feeling pretty good this morning, rocking my mom skill set by cleaning the kitchen while finley played and rowan sat in the swing. we made banana bread and homemade melon lemonade (cooking, check!). finn played with playdoh (art, check!). we browsed the comics and the newspaper together (reading, check!). finn ate a great lunch and went right down for nap. of course rowan didn't nap much and as he does, struggled to rest really at all. 

when finn woke up early we had to head to the post office. i sold a camera and it needed to be out today and i figured since everyone was fairly happy, i could get in and out without much struggle. i was so very wrong. rowan screamed the second i put him in his car seat, which he always does. he hates the car seat but typically once we start to drive he settles. by the time we arrived at the post office he seemed content and i popped them both into the double stroller. as soon as the post office door shut behind me rowan flipped out. ear piercing screams that no pacifier was going to calm. i tried to rush through and get my package boxed and ready, but he just wouldn't stop. more people filtered in and more screaming ensued. 

i picked him up but even then, he wouldn't relax. i went through the line once to check postage and by that point i was sweating and just over it. as i was filling out insurance and signature forms i started to laugh uncontrollable, but it was tinged with overwhelmed emotions. rowan still screaming and kicking, i couldn't even write and poor finley was in the stroller asking to be finished. i started to tear up and a woman asked if she could hold rowan for me. her kind eyes were also tearing up and she asked if that would be ok, if i would mind. i didn't mind and i handed him over while i cried. i mumbled something about it being so hard and she told me she knew. she was sending a package to her grown daughter who had just moved away and even after all of those years, parenting is still hard. she told me holding rowan was helping her and as i struggled to remember even my own address (we just moved!), another woman chimed in to say she had twins and remembered how difficult it could be. it was a moment where woman i didn't knpw were supporting me, understanding that there are times that everything just overwhelms you, and telling me that it was ok.

i took rowan back and got in line behind at least 10 people, but the postal worker asked me to come to the front saying i had already waited in line. (i hate to rant on usps, but you don't often get preferential treatment there, so imagine my surprise)  when i cut through the line i said i knew everyone wanted me to get going, and then more people voiced that it was ok, he was just a baby. i could barely pay through the tears in my eyes. the pairing of the (previously) screaming baby and the kindness of strangers was too much. the postal worker told me finley deserved a treat for how wonderful he was to wait, telling me what a good boy he was. (hopefully a nod to my parenting?)

i thanked the woman that held rowan and struggled to leave the building without fully breaking down. hours later i'm still an emotional mess over it all. how can some things just be so hard? so many emotions, so little sleep. too many demands that just can't be met every day. i don't know why today was my breaking point, but it happened.

tomorrow will be better. and hopefully i'll get to pay the kindness of strangers forward.

baby rowan: 2 months

i figured i should post a 2 month update before mr. baby turns 3 months (already?! please no!). and don't you love his tough guy picture? he gets that little blond fuzz after every bath and is so great at sitting up. he prefers to be upright at all times and has just started leaning into a sit without falling when we put him on the couch or chairs. he does not prefer to lay down much, unless you are in his face making him smile. which he does now all the time! he becomes more expressive every day and loves to smile at mommy, daddy, and brother as well as his farm toys on the playmat.

at 10 weeks (our 2 month check up slightly late), rowan was 23 3/4in and 12lb 2 oz. i compared that to finley at 10 weeks and was amazed to see that he was almost exactly the same height and weight. rowan looks so much chunkier, but i think it's because his limbs are shorter and he has a rounder face (the cheeks?!). he's got these huge, adorable blue eyes and the pinkest skin. most of his baby acne is gone and he hasn't lost all of his hair (yet?).

he's still on the zantac for silent reflux and he seems to be doing better. he doesn't struggle to eat and rarely has back arching fits during or after nursing. he takes a bottle about once a week and i think he realizes it now, because he doesn't really prefer the bottle and fusses while eating. he still nurses every 2-3 hours, even at night and rarely stays asleep for more than 3 hours. in the last few days he has started to spit up more, but it seems painless and he doesn't really notice.

i'm planning to start cloth diapering as soon as we run out of the size 1 diapers we've got now. he's actually wearing his first cloth right now and i'm excited to get back into more eco friendly diapering (making use of finley's old diapers and saving some cash). not so much looking forward to what his poop-splosions will be like in those. rowan seems to store up 3-4 days worth of breastmilk and releases it in successive diapers over the course of about 2 hours. before this happens he is very fussy and he struggles to sleep or eat without crying and fidgeting. after it happens he typically needs a bath...

i'm struggling to manage my sleep schedule as he wakes up so frequently to eat and is very noisy between 4 am and 7 am, keeping me from getting much sleep. i'm pretty much struggling with getting most things done because rowan does not enjoy being put down that much, finley likes for someone to play with him, and i like to nap when i get the slightest chance (i'm not doing it now and i should be!). such is life with two!

baby rowan: 1 month

true to second kid form, i'm posting rowan's one month picture and stats just after he turned 8 weeks. oops! but he is one month in this photo!

at one month he was pretty much still a sleeping/eating machine. from his 1 week check up where he had regained to his birth weight of about 7 lbs, he weighed in at a whopping 9lb 11oz just three weeks later. he is my chubby baby, completely different than finley. and in just about any way you can compare babies, my boys could not be more different. they don't look alike and their tiny personalities have thus far been opposite. rowan is not a content baby, worse than i remember finley being. he did not like to be swaddled (i've forced it recently), doesn't sleep much, never stops moving, and makes so much noise. not little baby noise, but huge discontented grunts and groans. he always seems annoyed and possibly uncomfortable unless he is in a period of (limited) deep sleep or while he is eating (sometimes).

he was a great eater at first but quickly developed some sort of fussy arching and resisting to nurse despite rooting and searching for more food. after speaking with the pedi, we decided he was probably dealing with some reflux (perhaps silent as he really didn't spit up but was choking on and re-swallowing after every feed). he's been on a baby dose of zantac and it has helped with the choking/gurgling and some of the back arching. i'm planning to see a lactation consultant because he has become lazy (or resistant?) to maintaining a strong latch and will come on and off dozens of times during a single, one sided nursing session. it is messy and frustrating for both of us because he clearly isn't finished eating.

i love this boy dearly but he can be quite the handful, especially because obviously he's not the only child. he is most content when pressed against another body (preferably mine), sweating and sleeping. he wakes up upon being laid down and remains quite fussy throughout the day. not very much seems to make him happy and if you lay him down while he is awake, even for a second (say, to get dressed, make lunch, you know, stuff i need to do) he screams uncontrollably like you've left him somewhere without food for hours. parenting a preschooler (who has adjusted really, really wonderfully but is still 3) and trying to hold a crabby baby all day and then being up many times at night to nurse? it's a test of my parenting skills and my patience on a daily basis.

but i am acutely aware of the passing time and how fast things fly by so i am trying to accept the challenges as limited to this period in life and so fleeting. i know i spend more time just looking at rowan, trying to soak it all in before everything changes. sometimes i look at finley and he seems like a stranger. isn't he supposed to be this tiny, swaddled bundle, my baby? but he isn't my little baby anymore. i know him, i see him every day and yet...i don't know. i just try to figure out how it happened that he has imaginary friends, real friends in a new neighborhood, is fully potty trained all day, has long conversations that make sense....

so yeah. even at just 1 month in i found myself fretting over the days lost. no, they weren't really lost. i was there. but they were gone so quickly and even though they were hard, i already miss them.