a new chapter

yesterday was my last nursing session with finley. i am both excited to move forward as a free woman and sad to close this chapter of our lives. i decided in the very beginning that my goal was to nurse for at least a year and to see how we felt then. i was so lucky to have had help from family (namely mr. h3b) and lots of support from my friends and other mothers. through tough times and relatively easy ones i forged ahead and finn and i shared a pretty great nursing relationship.

he was never a clingy nurser. he never once search for my chest as an older baby and never used nursing as a pacifier. he ate and he was finished. i struggled with low supply as he got older and nursed less often, but i kept going and i made it to my goal of one year. at that point i was nursing at morning and night only. he was drinking whole cow's milk from a sippy during the day but we shared those peaceful moments while he nursed as the sun came up and just before he closed his eyes to sleep. i dropped the morning session last week and he didn't seem to mind. so tonight mr. h3b put him to bed without me. i didn't rock him and nurse him as we read bed times stories. and i won't anymore.

it is sad that i will never nurse him again and that our bond will only be a memory for me. along with all of the other things that he (or we) have outgrown, i can add this to the list. as it grows, so does he. and i am proud that his growth from 0-6 months was solely due to my breast milk. and i am proud that i nursed in public, pumped on 7 hour car rides, and remained committed to my goal. i would not have been a failure had i not nursed for a year, but i am proud that i was able to.

and now i am 100% me again, for myself, except now i have a toddler. nursing didn't really restrain me (i indulged in alcohol safely), i ate what i wanted (onions and spicy foods never bothered him), and in these last few months, i hardly even thought of myself as a nursing mother. but now i am just me. i won't be wearing breast pads, fold down bras, or obscene tank tops (have you seen the target ones?). i am not pregnant. i am not nursing. i am just me and no one is using my body for their nutrition any longer.

i hope these final days of weaning continue to go smoothly and that i remember both the hardships and the tender moments. and i hope to do it again someday (but not with finley).