hard work

this represents only part of my hard work. hours spent pumping, even more spent nursing my sweet baby boy.

i had to throw these bags of frozen milk away last week and it took me four days to actually do it. i couldn't feed it to finn (we don't have a deep freeze and it's past the safe date), so there was nothing i could do but toss them. still, i was a bit sad.
 
breastfeeding has been (and continues to be) a rewarding experience. it wasn't easy and i wouldn't consider it so even now. no, it doesn't hurt anymore and we know what we're doing, but it is a huge commitment. when it's hot, i have his sticky body all over me, flapping his arms and creating more warmth between our skin. when i am tired and it's 2 am, i am still the one to wake and feed him. when my milk is low, i stress and worry about supply. when let down is slow or the feeding is over, it is me he directs his frustrations toward. i am his sole source of food and my life often revolves around breast milk.

and yet, i get to have his warm little body draped over me, calming feeding. i see him at 2 am, sleepy and wanting the comfort of his mother's milk. i have had enough to help him grow, he smiles while i feed him, we share a bond together. i am happy to have stuck with breastfeeding. for all of the hours, struggles, sweat, and tears, it was worth it. i still leak. he still cries. i still worry. he still thrives.

we are starting solid foods soon and while our breastfeeding days are not over, i am realizing how short this time really is. i look forward to someday having my body back, but i dread the days of weaning. and i never want to throw out my last bag of frozen milk. (but i will. i'm not sure explaining to finley's high school friends why we have a bag of breast milk stored in the freezer will go over that well.)