hard work

this represents only part of my hard work. hours spent pumping, even more spent nursing my sweet baby boy.

i had to throw these bags of frozen milk away last week and it took me four days to actually do it. i couldn't feed it to finn (we don't have a deep freeze and it's past the safe date), so there was nothing i could do but toss them. still, i was a bit sad.
 
breastfeeding has been (and continues to be) a rewarding experience. it wasn't easy and i wouldn't consider it so even now. no, it doesn't hurt anymore and we know what we're doing, but it is a huge commitment. when it's hot, i have his sticky body all over me, flapping his arms and creating more warmth between our skin. when i am tired and it's 2 am, i am still the one to wake and feed him. when my milk is low, i stress and worry about supply. when let down is slow or the feeding is over, it is me he directs his frustrations toward. i am his sole source of food and my life often revolves around breast milk.

and yet, i get to have his warm little body draped over me, calming feeding. i see him at 2 am, sleepy and wanting the comfort of his mother's milk. i have had enough to help him grow, he smiles while i feed him, we share a bond together. i am happy to have stuck with breastfeeding. for all of the hours, struggles, sweat, and tears, it was worth it. i still leak. he still cries. i still worry. he still thrives.

we are starting solid foods soon and while our breastfeeding days are not over, i am realizing how short this time really is. i look forward to someday having my body back, but i dread the days of weaning. and i never want to throw out my last bag of frozen milk. (but i will. i'm not sure explaining to finley's high school friends why we have a bag of breast milk stored in the freezer will go over that well.)

final mn recap

our second week visiting family was spent up north, away from the internet, phones, and civilization. finn enjoyed hours of outdoor time and lots of love from family.

i decided the cabin was the perfect place to make his first tie dyed clothing. i don't recall ever doing tie dye before and owned very few, if any, tie dyed clothing in my life. i made 2 onesies, 2 pairs of socks, and a shirt for both mr. h3b and me.

he is just the cutest tiny ;) he's finally learned to blow raspberries!

it was also nice to see mr. h3b get so much happy time with finley. because evenings typically equal fussiness for finn, mr. h3b often "gets" to hang out with a crabby baby. seeing him all day, everyday allowed for more sweet times :)

and even if his sleep was disrupted and he became used to the rocking, holding, and loving during naps, our time was well spent. it was so amazing to watch finley really be a part of the family and join in on the lake tradition.

and without all of the comforts of home, we had to resort to the next best thing ;)

sleep training part two

well, we were instantly derailed from our plans. finn got sick for the first time last week monday with a stomach virus. hours of crying, lots of night wakings, vomiting and diarrhea...it was no place to try and force sleep on a sad baby. after a visit to the pediatrician, i knew nothing was seriously wrong, but it sucks to be sick. i tried to cuddle my boy, rub his back, and feed him whenever he would eat to decrease the risk of dehydration. i did not stick to a feeding/napping schedule.

by thursday he was feeling a bit better and while we maintained our routine during the illness, the weekend brought back plans for shushing and decreasing feeds overnight. on both saturday and sunday nights he awoke only once in the middle of the night (4 am and 2 am, respectively) and slept until a proper morning hour (7 am and 8 am). i fed him both nights and put him back down very groggy (possibly asleep). not exactly within the plan to go down awake, but i struggle with how to do that.

our biggest problem is that finley is not a self-soother. i may have created this monster, but he will not find his hands, use sight/sound, or roll/change positions. i have tried to leave him fuss a bit (day and night), but he never calms without me. up until this point i have felt that he is too young to cry it out. we are reaching the solid food, cry and soothe yourself period and i'm anxious to see what works for us. for now, he will not tolerate being ignored and rarely plays by himself or goes to sleep alone anymore. a small cry escalates into a full blown sobbing fit if not tended to swiftly.

we'll see where the upcoming weeks take us.

baby's first twins game

when we were back in mn, we decided it would be the perfect time catch a twins game. finn picked tickets to a game as his very first father's day gift to mr. h3b. it's a brand new field and i knew daddy and baby would have a special time attending a game during the 2010 inaugural season.

finn also got to take the new train line (not his first train ride). he slept through most of the ride to minneapolis and woke up just in time to enjoy the sights.

we were smart and got standing room only tickets, because finn isn't really a sitting down type baby. he is not happy unless he is walking, bouncing, riding, etc. i am jealous of the moms whose babies just sit nicely (ever, really) on their lap, taking in the scenes. to keep finn pleasant, we kept on the move. this was to our advantage, as we saw the entire field in all of it's glory.

finn seemed to enjoy the people, the sky, and the noise. i was able to get a number of adorable father son photos.

to my surprise, i was able to find a room for nursing. while it was hot in there, they had a stock of diapers wipes, hair ties - way to go target! i would have fed finn out in the open, but it was so hot and we wouldn't have been able to use a cover.

things were going great...until we took the train back home. finn decided, during the 35 minutes of waiting ON the train before it left, to learn how to scream. not to cry, but to squeal and scream and alert passengers three cars down of his presence. because of this, we both gave up our seats to elderly ladies (even in mn nice land, the men and boys didn't jump at the chance to gave up their seats...and i make it a point to always). it was a good ride home, as we listened to finley elevate his squeals into a few real cries. i think it's because we wouldn't let him play with his souvenir little slugger bat.

sleep "training" a 5 month old

i will start by saying up until a few weeks ago, i had a really great sleeper. we started using the woombie at 8 weeks and within the first 3 days of using it, finley was sleeping from 9:45 pm until 6:45 am.he did not require night feedings and would go back to sleep after the morning feeding for another hour or so. i knew it was too good to be true ;)

during our trip to mn, all of finn's fabulous sleep habits went down the drain. he napped poorly due to noisy surroundings and his bedtime routine had changed quite a bit. he had grown out of the woombie and seemed desperate to have use of him arms when he stirred at night. so he started to wake up. at 1 am. at 4 am. at 5, 6, 7am. i would bring him to bed with me, desperate for sleep and with no real place to nurse in the designated nursery. 2 weeks of this and he had created new habits that i wasn't about to stick with when we returned home.

so off i went to the library in search of sleep solutions. i came home with 5 books (but didn't get my hands on the no cry sleep solution) and have already read 2 of them. i was ready to start immediately with an adaptable plan and didn't feel comfortable letting one book, person, or stance solve finn's sleep "problems". i also wasn't interested in direct cry it out methods. so i gathered what i had learned and we began "training" 3 nights ago. here's an outline:

• change bedtime routine from 9 pm to 8 pm (i think he became overtired by 9 pm)
• bedtime routine: bath, lotion massage, diaper, sleep sack (no more swaddle), nurse in rocker, story time ending with the same book each night, into bed drowsy but awake, pacifier, seahorse music, shushing, white noise, and (hopefully) asleep
• quick feed between 1 am and 3 am if awoken, no feed in the morning until 7 or 8 am, replace pacifier only and shush at any other waking times
• feed 4-5 times per day between 3 and 4 hours apart, directly upon waking
  
• nap 2 times per day, one between 10:30 and 11 am and one between 2:45 and 3 pm, with first being at least an hour and the second being closer to two hours
• avoid naps between 6 pm and 8 pm

these probably seem obvious, but prior to this schedule i was feeding on demand, finn was napping for 15 minutes here and there, he was swaddled and sometimes put in the crib completely alseep...we were following no plan. key points to these changes include no longer bringing him to bed with me to do an early morning feeding everyday. once he's "trained", i won't mind doing it occasionally and it won't mess him up if he needs it. pulling back the night routine will help curb evening napping and will hopefully result in longer, most restful sleep at night.

night 1: he had trouble going down but fell asleep despite the lack of swaddle. not knowing whether to feed late at night, i stayed with him when he woke at 1:30 am, shushing, patting, rocking, while he cried. i decided then to slowly wean him off the feed and as soon as he ate he went right to sleep in the crib. he woke up at 6 am, i placed the pacifier and we both went back to bed. up at 8 am!

night 2: fell asleep within 5 minutes (no crying). woke at 3:45 am and i offered a short feeding. he went back to bed drowsy and i went back to bed not hearing a peep. woke up at 7:50 am and cooed/grumbled for 15 minutes before we retrieved him.

night 3: would not eat, cried until pacifier and book. took 10 minutes to fall asleep with shushing and patting near crib (no crying). woke at 5 am and i nursed because it had been so long since he had eaten. went back to sleep until 8:10 am.

so far, so good :) i'll keep you posted!

up north

we just got back from a 2 week vacation in mn. we spent the first week, just finn and me (mr. h3b stayed home to work), at mr. h3b's parent's house. finley got to spend so much time wit his aunties, uncle, and grandma and grandpa and i got some much needed down time.

being a stay at home mom (sahm) is not "downtime". it does not allow for endless online surfing, house cleaning, tv watching, bon bon eating, etc. any sahm knows that there are no coffee breaks on a schedule. i get coffee, sure, but i often have to choose that over a shower. i am allowed a lunch break by my miniature employer, but it might not be until 3 pm when he settles for a nap. this is of course not meant to be a rant about staying home. i also get to see my baby boy everyday, snuggle during his good times, and watch him grow and learn by the minute. in all cases, i think moms (and dads) can agree that having some help, even just an extra hand and a guaranteed shower everyday (!) can be quite refreshing. so i welcomed this long trip :)

also refreshing? laying out in the backyard up north, watching the cloth diapers sway in the breeze. the sun does wonders for smells and stains and if you didn't know, clothes on the line is hilarious. just ask finn ;)

and what should have been relaxing for him, this nap outside was probably the best he had up north. our two mini doxies and their two mini doxies bark. every door. every male voice. every dropped item, loud breath, leaf blowing in the yard. poor finley is home now with the worst sleep patterns he's had since 8 weeks. we've begun sleep training as a result. i'll save that for another post, but lest you get all worrisome (you. lol. all 20 of you.), we're not cio.

his lack of sleep doesn't keep him from being adorable (unlike me...i'm looking weathered)! i'm sure we'll all adjust soon. i can't wait to share all of finn's new talents and some of his recent excursions. stay tuned :)

5 months

finley is five months old today! we are spending time in mr. h3b's home town, so baby finn got to spend time with his aunties, uncle, and grandpa and grandma on his special day.

he continues to grow and learn and amaze me every day. he now grabs his pacifier to remove and replace it in his mouth, which is adorable. he is blowing spit bubbles and working on mouth raspberries. he reaches for and holds toys, chewing them and "chatting" to me. he still only rolls from belly to back, but he can kick his legs up by his chest and is just starting to reach for his feet. he giggles in response to tickling and funny faces and just two days ago had his first independent chuckle at the dogs. he is turning into a little person with his own thoughts that he can express.

i'm looking forward to the fun changes ahead. i already miss my tiny peanut, but this little baby he's turning into is fantastic. i'm looking to get him a jumper/exersaucer because he loves to sit and stand upright and play. we tested a johnny jumper and he was bored, so i think more stimulation is a must.

because we'll be in mn for the next two weeks, i won't be updating with pictures and such until we return home. we'll be back with fun summer photos and stories, i'm sure!