mine only for now

when carrying a baby, that baby seems like it's all mine. i don't have to share it with the world and no one else gets to experience that individual baby growing like i do. it changes a little bit when the baby is born, but still. the workload, the largest share of love, the one-on-one time is all mine (well, ours, husband too!). and even though finley is almost three, i still think of him as an extension of me.

finn has croup right now and we let him sleep in our bed to monitor his breathing. we don't bed share and never have, so it's actually pretty sweet to sleep next to that warm little body, all wiggly and coughy. since our bed only seems big enough for one pregnant person and one other person, husband slept on the couch. so, finn was all mine. i have never gotten sleeping shots of him as he is typically a light sleeper and wakes up when his door is opened. i took advantage of the closeness and got a few treasured moments.

during the day while he lounges on the couch asking me to lay with him...again he is mine. i take that time to look at his face. his little chapped lips and his red eyes from the tears that well up during his coughing fits. i touch his pink cheeks and see his little teeth while he breathes with a tiny open mouth. i twist his curls and rub his soft back and i take all of him in.

today i looked at his palms. i wanted to see his tiny fingerprints (since my second baby is currently forming theirs). right now, these seem like my finger prints. not my own, but he doesn't know what they are and he doesn't think about them or use them, so they seem like mine. the pattern is clean and perfect, still fresh despite a few years of use. i can hold his little hands and look at them whenever i want.

but later (and yes, even now, technically) they will be his. he will use them for his own identification. they are his hands and i won't get to see them everyday, hold them and look at the swirls. they will become weathered with his life and not mine. i am watching him become his own person and each little milestone allows him to become more independent and free. less mine.