9 months!

my once teeny, tiny newborn is now 9 months...and not a newborn, not teeny tiny anymore! he has become such a little man! he is full on crawling everywhere now, can pull to stand on anything, got his first tooth (officially showing today), seems to say a variation of "mama" to/at me and "mo" (more, which is what we say at mealtime), feeds himself puffs, cheese, and small foods using his hands, and is in a constant state of happy-sad-happy-sad.

his 9 month appointment was overall good - he is healthy and developmentally on track. our only problem is his size. he's almost 29 inches long and has a big noggin, but he's still pretty small at only 17 pounds. while this isn't too concerning, he continues to drop on the charts and is now in the fifth percentile. i wouldn't worry about growth charts in general but rather than just being small, he drops below a curve at each visit rather than following one. in 3 months he gained less than 2 lbs.

to add insult to injury, my supply has drastically decreased to the point of struggle and fristration on both our parts. finn is a lazy nurser who never took to sucking for comfort - if there's no food freely flowing, he's done. he doesn't take fondly to being forced, so our nursing sessions (4-5 a day) keep getting shorter as i have less and less milk. i've been pumping to try and increase (in addition to fenugreek and mother's milk tea), but i went from getting 5 ounces each time, to 3 ounces...to now just barely an ounce. because of this low supply, finn's pedi is concerned that he may only be getting 12 ounces a day or less and he should be near 16 to 18 oz. i don't have a freezer stash, so she strongly advised supplementing with formula.

i struggled for a few hours after hearing that and was almost in tears over what i see as failure on my part to provide enough food to keep my child at a healthy weight. but i know what's best for him is separate from my emotions and i decided to start earth's best organic formula. right now he gets a bottle of 3-4 ounces one time a day. i will still breastfeed, if i can, until at least a year. but if i don't have enough milk and can't switch to cow's milk, then i will continue to supplement. i feel like a burden has been lifted because i can feed him formula if i can't pump milk. i also feel horrible because i can't pump any milk. i know formula isn't bad, but i wanted to ebf for a year. it was a goal that i couldn't reach and it's hard to come to terms with it.

i try to tell myself that some babies self wean at this age. i had my first post partum period (18 months without) which could affect my supply. i was sick twice in the fall. finn refuses to nurse sometimes and he pushes away when my let down doesn't happen within the first minute or two. so many factors that are working to end this chapter of our lives. he won't nurse forever and i don't want him to, of course. but i'm not ready to be done and i'm not sure what the next week will be like, let alone the next three months.

so, there's that. but, he loves the formula (way to kick me when i'm down!) and we are ok. i have to focus on the good things and not worry about his weight as if it's a direct reflection of my abilities as a mother. because otherwise, we're doing good. i haven't set him in the yard with a for sale sign despite his incessant whining/crying and he rewards me for keeping him by giving me "kisses", laughing at the silliest things, and becoming an individual person with wants and needs beyond survival mode. and maybe formula will be a blessing disguise in some way. we'll see.